UnNews:State of the Union changes format to win viewers

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28 January 2014

Bushobama

There really is a "dime's worth of difference" between them.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Faced with falling television audiences for the State of the Union speech, President Obama took a page from the National Football League to change the format of the annual event.

Paralleling changes proposed for future Pro Bowls, the oratorical contest itself will be merely the highlight of a week-long "skills competition."

The prime-time event would be Using Americans as Props. Mr. Obama has invited a McDonald's worker to the skills week, to argue that the worker would be happier getting a mandated $10.10 for flipping hamburgers in addition to the co-paid Gender Issues Counseling and birth control pills he is already guaranteed, while a paraplegic victim of the Boston bombing will sit with the First Lady for her "Let's Move!" campaign. On the other side, Kelly Ayotte (R-NH) has invited a soldier from Afghanistan to sit in her Senate seat for the big speech, perhaps on her lap. The rules will award a two-point conversion for crying on cue, and remembering the constituent's name and pronouncing it correctly.

The day after that competition, the parties will compete to sell their bases on amnesty for Mexicans, who will work cheaper, vote more obediently, and have the "dreams" that Americans are not willing to have. A final skills competition will be televised voting on bills to cut the deficit, each of which will go to the other house of Congress and be ignored.

In another parallel with the NFL, the parties may change the game itself. Commissioner Roger Goodell has noted that no one stays in front of the TV for the point-after-touchdown, nor for the commercials before it and after it. He has said it would limit bathroom runs to replace the ritual with an all-or-nothing round as seen on Jeopardy!

As well as a bill to disqualify any member for not stating his answer in the form of a question, the parties are discussing dropping the tedious process to see whether Republicans can take the Senate or Democrats can take the House, replacing it with a single, televised drinking game at which all 535 seats would be at stake. As set for the Super Bowl, new camera angles and heat-sensing infrared cameras would enhance fan interest. Speaker John Boehner is holding out for putting the Presidency up for grabs too, as Mr. Obama always talks about "everyone having skin in the game." Both have spoken favorably about baseball's All-Star Game, where fans can vote as many times as they like, every time they enter one of the facilities. Any controversy would go to the Supreme Court to be judged by the "home-town nine."

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