UnNews:State of Emergency declared in Pakistan, all political assassinations to be suspended
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State of Emergency declared in Pakistan, all political assassinations to be suspended
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 06:44:UTC)(
4 November 2007
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KARACHI, Pakistan -- Following the brutal bombing of Benazir Bhutto's convoy two weeks ago, and her subsequent <airquote>family vacation</airquote> to the UAE, <airquote>president</airquote> Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan has declared a state of emergency, declaring an immediate halt to all political and patriotic related assassinations.
"It has come to this" declared <airquote>president</airquote> Musharraf, "That we have to stop for the time being one of our most traditional pastime activities. My brothers, I bestow upon thee, although we all greatly enjoy blowing up things, shooting at political activists, poisoning opposition leaders and generally speaking pushing our <airquote>democracy</airquote> forward."
"The mayhem and carnage have scared off some of our respectable leaders, blew up the Karachi promenade and destroyed the best melon kiosk in the city. Power has been failing more often than usual, and I have been missing some major episodes of Home and Away."
"Also, it seems that our American friends seems to dislike our ancient traditions, dating all the way back to the Hashshashin, and being the good members of the global village that we are, we must cease and decease.
"And so, my friends, I ask of you all to refrain, just for the time being, from blowing your favorite political leader. Just for a wee bit until we can sort out who double crossed who on the telly, and where the hell I'm going to get my melons from now on. Thank you citizens."
Waves of public outrage and distress surged across the land, as Al-Qaida activists, the liberal opposition and home and away supporters vowed revenge on one another, the infidels, Benazir Bhutto , and home and away producers, not necessarily in that order. Law and order in Karachi seems to dwindle even further pending the renewal of political assassinations. Only time will tell if melons can be found in the same quality in the Karachi market, ever again.
The vacationing Benazir Bhutto's only response was "Ever since Kate Ritchie said she's leaving Home and Away, I don't see the point of that show anyhow. Might as well kill them all"