UnNews:Stars fear Oscar may be cursed

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31 January 2007

Oscarcurse

Renee Zellweger wins Oscar: the nightmare begins!

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Many recent recipients of Hollywood’s most prestigious award, the Oscar, believe that the gold statue is cursed.

“Someone on the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is a sorcerer,” Nicole Kidman opined, “and, whoever it is, is cursing anyone whose performance has earned an Oscar.”

Once a coveted award, many performers are now believed to be consciously or unconsciously executing substandard work to avoid being nominated as a potential Oscar recipient. “No one want to be cursed the way I’ve been cursed,” said recent Oscar winner Gwyneth Paltrow.

Although some actors have survived the win of an Oscar, others’ wins have resulted in a series of bad roles, a decline in popularity among fans, and even oblivion.

Having won the Oscar at the tender age of 26, for her role in Shakespeare in Love, Paltrow, as a result of her win, was considered too expensive to hire.

Rosie O’Donnell, the sarcastic pundit for The View, who is unpopular and approaching oblivion even without having won an Oscar, weighed in on the issue, as she does every topic, by stating, “An Oscar is magical: it turns an A-list star into a B-list star; look at what it’s done to me.” Then, the lesbian ripped Paltrow by suggesting that “if the bitch wasn’t so greedy, people would hire her; she’s let the Oscar go to her head, and now she won’t work for less than $25 million a movie. I mean, granted, she’s cute, but, come on! Twenty five million is a lot of money, even in Hollywood.”

Among producers and directors, winning the Oscar doesn’t equate with long-term success. “Often, it’s a fluke,” said Steven Spielberg. “A better measure of box office bankability is the performer’s capacity to put asses in theater seats over a long period of time. I mean, F. Murray Abraham, who nobody remembers, won an Oscar for Amadeus, but he’s shining shoes at LAX now. I saw him there the last time I flew out of town. I felt so sorry for the schmuck, I gave him ten bucks without bothering to have him polish my Birkinstocks.”

The identity of the alleged witch or warlock has never been uncovered, and it has been suggested that the Academy replace its entire board, but “that wouldn’t do any good,” recently-divorced Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon said, “since the curse is already on the statuette itself.”

“They offered me one,” Pee Wee Herman said, “but I had the wisdom to refuse it, thinking I’d escape the curse, but even being nominated can destroy your career. Look what happened to me: I’m caught masturbating in a porno theater, and, suddenly, no one will touch me with a 10-foot pole. I haven’t starred in a kids’ show since the fateful day I was nominated.”

“Oscars don’t mean much after Oscars night,” O’Donnell said, “and, besides, I’m living proof that you can be fat and happy without one.”

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