UnNews:Star Wars nerd's life deemed unoriginal, boring
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Star Wars nerd's life deemed unoriginal, boring
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, June 28, 2016, 17:11:UTC)(
18 August 2008
LOS ANGELES, California: Local resident and geek Jeremy Hames' life was, last Thursday, unanimously declared bland and entirely uninteresting by a professional panel of judges.
In an effort to explain this extreme ruling, officials pointed out numerous similarities between Mr. Hames and thousands before him. "Mr. Hames has numerous issues with his acne and a small number of friends," listed Judge Hatchbaum in a public statement. "He has large collections of memorabilia from such series as Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica, as well as being awkward socially and still a virgin. Not one scrap of Mr. Hames' life has been found to be anything, new , original, or even at least amusing, particularly when compared to the massive multitudes of persons we have encountered like this before."
Critics also found numerous derivative and stereotypical errors in Hames' choice of living arrangements. "Mr. Hames still lives in his parent's basement at the age of thirty two," explained Rich Thormin, who writes regularly for the New York Times. "This sort of lifestyle has been done to death and no longer interests me or any one of my fellow critics, nor does it make any of us laugh, even in pity or smug superiority. Together, we urge Mr. Hames to get his shit together, maybe get a job or something. We realize a girlfriend is probably out of the question, but any sort of change would be nice."
Mr. Hames himself was outraged at the ruling. "To quote Popeye, I am what I am," he posted furiously online. "Just because Star Wars is one of the few things that I have to really live for does not make me boring and uninteresting. I have plenty of friends, like Carl. And maybe those guys I play Dungeons and Dragons with, but I'm not really sure how I stand with them." Hames then proceeded to conclude, "Trek sucks compared to Wars, so eat it."
The Internet Commission of Humor (ICH) issued the final comment of the matter earlier today on numerous forums. "While they have provided an excellent source of parody and entertainment for over twenty years, these nerds have slowly become all the same unexciting personality to all of us on the internet," said the official announcement. "Please think of something new to make fun of." The ICH also added, "I can haz moar funny plz? 4 TEH LULZ!!!1!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|