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Star Wars VII blasted for discrimination

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18 October 2015

Acbar

Offstage, Admiral Ackbar cuts a dashing figure, as the decorated military crustacean campaigns for Alien equality.

GALACTIC SENATE, Coruscant -- The shooting may have finished but a battle for equality between aliens and humans has just begun, as Admiral Ackbar is lobbying the Galactic Senate to have one of the latest wave of Star Wars movies directed by an extra-terrestrial.

The force of discontent is strong in the cast, as the senior galactic Naval Officer’s comments come just days after Kaleesh-come-droid actor General Grievous also expressed anger over unequal pay, poor conditions, bullying and harassment during the prequels; particularly against those associated with the Empire.

Ackbar said in an interview: “Half of the sentient beings in my group have tentacles or a proboscis (shhurrrp), being a film about the Galaxy and all that (shhurrrp). The Empire’s ratio of alien to human is six out of eight (shhurrrp). Anyone from Disney management saying that the majority of the film production talent is non-extraterrestrial (shhurrrp), are talking a load of Obi-Wan-baloney.

“Just because an actor may prefer eating concrete paving slabs or paraffin firelighters, to tuna canapés (shhurrrp), or retires to a green pulsating organic slime-covered egg rather than a caravan after the shoot (shhurrrp); does not mean they are any less talented. It is only a matter of time before a boba fide alien directs a Star Wars film (shhurrrp).

“The humans might be able to knock out a decent movie (shhurrrp), but let’s be honest, how can they justify paying themselves more money, when we have to come from a galaxy far far away? I mean, they barely scraped the moon’s surface in the 60’s (shhurrrp, titter).”

Ackbar’s assertion raises the question of which species would take on the role. Ackbar believes his own, the Mon Calamari, would be most suitable, as they do not tend to become battered or fried after long periods of heat and pressure — from either the shareholders, or filming from a gas giant. In fact, the only thing the Mon Calamari can’t tolerate is fiscal inequality or having a quarter of fresh lemon juice squeezed over them.

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