UnNews:Star Wars Blu-rays will not include unaltered versions; fans pissed

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Straight talk, from straight faces

19 August 2010

Lucas owned

George Lucas is punished by outraged fans after he announces that the 2011 Star Wars Blu-rays will not include the unaltered versions from 1977-1983.

HELLYWOOD, California -- Star Wars mastermind and rapist desecrator George "Give Me Your Money" Lucas announced Saturday at San Francisco Komik Kon (not to be confused with San Diego Comic Con) that he plans to release the "original" Star Wars trilogy on Blu-ray in late 2011. However, the response was overwhelmingly negative when he noted:

“You purists are gonna hate my filthy stinking guts, but you're not gonna see the unaltered originals in this set. You have to go through and do a whole restoration on it, and you have to do that digitally. It's a very, very expensive process to do it. So when we did the transfer to digital, we only transferred really the upgraded version [from 1997].... [it's] kind of an oxymoron because the original is not very good. In fact all three movies sucked dick until I went back in and recut them in 1997 and raped your precious memories. So long, suckers!”

As expected, an army of tens upon thousands upon millions of Star Wars fanatics raised their lightsabers high in the air. They told Lucas they were "mad as hell" and they weren't going to take it anymore. They punished the legendary director of THX-1138 and American Graffiti by freezing him in carbonite.

Said fans started online petitions and have been raising the money necessary to pay for the restorations.

"Star Wars is an American classic," says an angry fan who wished to be known only as James Earl J. "I don't see why Mr. Lucas likes to stroke his meat to ripping off the fans."

Another fan, Harrison F., told UnNews: "George Lucas is being very disrespectful to the fans. He'll probably burn in hell for this, along with Rob Zombie and Joel Schumacher."

The unaltered originals, long out of print, were finally released on DVD for a limited time in 2008... as bonus features, and using only the non-anamorphic LaserDisc masters. Fans have literally been salivating over a possible Blu-ray release of the original originals. But, alas, not luck yet.

Looks like we'll have to wait until Lucas unthaws, releases the current set, and puts more money in his pocket that he doesn't deserve.

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