|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
19 August 2010
HELLYWOOD, California -- Star Wars mastermind and
rapist desecrator George "Give Me Your Money" Lucas announced Saturday at San Francisco Komik Kon (not to be confused with San Diego Comic Con) that he plans to release the "original" Star Wars trilogy on Blu-ray in late 2011. However, the response was overwhelmingly negative when he noted:
“You purists are gonna hate my filthy stinking guts, but you're not gonna see the unaltered originals in this set. You have to go through and do a whole restoration on it, and you have to do that digitally. It's a very, very expensive process to do it. So when we did the transfer to digital, we only transferred really the upgraded version [from 1997].... [it's] kind of an oxymoron because the original is not very good. In fact all three movies sucked dick until I went back in and recut them in 1997 and raped your precious memories. So long, suckers!”
As expected, an army of tens upon thousands upon millions of Star Wars fanatics raised their lightsabers high in the air. They told Lucas they were "mad as hell" and they weren't going to take it anymore. They punished the legendary director of THX-1138 and American Graffiti by freezing him in carbonite.
Said fans started online petitions and have been raising the money necessary to pay for the restorations.
The unaltered originals, long out of print, were finally released on DVD for a limited time in 2008... as bonus features, and using only the non-anamorphic LaserDisc masters. Fans have literally been salivating over a possible Blu-ray release of the original originals. But, alas, not luck yet.
Looks like we'll have to wait until Lucas unthaws, releases the current set, and puts more money in his pocket that he doesn't deserve.
- Hanshot Furst "Unaltered original Star Wars films not in Blu-ray set". The New York Times, August 14, 2010