14 January 2009
Kent, England -- Politically motivated squirrels are believed to be the cause of a fire that caused several pounds worth of damage to a cottage belonging to Lord Mayhew, former Attorney General and Conservative MP. Lord Mayhew no longer lives at the address - though it is believed the sciuridanean arsonists responsible are unaware of this fact. The property had been leased to tenants who escaped from the blaze unharmed.
The fire service took almost two hours to bring the flames under control, their efforts hampered by stone-throwing anarchist woodland creatures who attempted to prevent emergency services from accessing the building - situated in the pretty village of Whiffly End, three miles from Royal Tunbridge Wells, where Lord Mayhew was MP from 1974 to 1997 - while chanting, "Die, Tory scumbag."
Lord Mayhew later told the Kent Messenger newspaper: "The fire broke out in a void behind an airing cupboard and the most probable cause was squirrels chewing through cables." However, when Fire Service inspectors entered the remains of the house to try to work out the cause of the fire, they discovered a number of empty petrol cans scattered around the cellar and, daubed on a wall, the chilling message "Class War - Squirrels Against The Tories" and "Revolution Action - Capitalists Out" along with the Ⓐ anarchy symbol. "We are not ruling out that this was a deliberate act of arson, intended to cause property damage and even loss of life," a spokeman for Kent Fire And Rescue Service said.
UnNews reporters spoke to Mrs. Thora Fotherington-Spynkes, owner of 15th Century Spynkes Hall which is the nearest property to Lord Mayhew's cottage. "Everybody in the village is simply flabberghasted," she said; "we're just astonished that there could be disenfranchised working-class types in our midst. We're certain they can't be from round here; they must have travelled down from Tonbridge." Mr. Harold Jenkins who has run Whiffly End's village shop since 1921 and describes himself as a life-long Conservative voter, said: "It'll be Tonbridge lads alright. Probably black ones, or one of them Reds I expect."
Police report that they have since received a letter from a group calling itself Socialist Wildlife Against Capitalism claiming responsibility for the attack; in addition to which a video tape, featuring a balaclava-clad badger who claims to be the leader of the SWAC, states that it was carried out to protest against rising house prices in the area which the organisation believes to be caused by "all the posh-nosh Tory bastards who are moving into the area and pricing us locals out of our own homes."
- ↑ That means squirrels, by the way.