UnNews:Squirrel deported, owner despondent

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Squirrel deported, owner despondent

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Tuesday, August 22, 2017, 07:40:59 (UTC)

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23 May 2014

Squirrel in Jail 1

LOS ANGELES, California --

Man-pleading-on-bended-knee for release of squirrel

Christian Reyes barely had time to accept the idea that his friend Adam was dying. On May 22nd, doctors told him that not only was Adam deaf, dumb, blind, and stupid, by that he didn’t have long to live. Adam died ten minutes later.

Now the distraught Nurse from the wrong side of town wants to bury his friend. He wants his pet squirrel ‘Samir’ by his side.

But Samir the Squirrel can’t join Christian yet-or maybe not even ever. Samir the Squirrel’s in a El Centro detention center awaiting a decision from immigration authorities.

“I need Samir now more than ever right now,” Mr. Reyes said in a phone interview, barely able to contain his sobs. “It’s been such a struggle. Samir the Squirrel, he taught me to climb trees man, how to scavenge for nuts, and…how to make an omelette! Have you ever tried to make an omelette?! I could never get the part where you flip it over-until Samir helped me! He always checked on my grades! He done everything he could though Skype but it’s just not the same! WAAAAHHH!!!”

Samir the Squirrel has lived illegally in the United States for years according to a Wyoming immigration attorney. When Samir tried to fix his immigration status 5 years ago he was defrauded by a “scrupulous bunny rabbit”. Since then, Samir has represented himself.

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