This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
17 June 2012
SEOULFUL, SOUTH KOREA – A South Korean woman's main dish, half-cooked calamari, seems to have enjoyed the diner as much as she enjoyed it. During a posthumous orgasm, the marine organism ejaculated inside the startled woman's mouth.
Authorities are investigating the alleged sexual assault. They have conducted a lineup of suspects. Chefs and other restaurant employees are cooperating with police as authorities seek to determine whether the act was “consensual or forced.”
The insemination of the woman's oral cavity left her feeling a “prickling sensation,” the alleged victim claimed. “It felt as if something had penetrated my mouth.” She didn't swallow.
According to the prestigious Journal of Parasitology, the woman had “small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms embedded in the mucous membranes of her tongue, cheek, and gums.” Apparently, the half-baked squid mistook her mouth for a vagina. “It's doubtful,” the article declared, “that the squid realized that the woman was performing what amounts to oral sex upon its remains. It was half-cooked and, very likely, dead or nearly dead at the time that it ejaculated.”
The “bug-like organisms” turned out to be live spermatophores. The fact that they were alive suggests that the squid itself may also have been alive, as it is impossible for dead or inanimate objects to give rise to life of any kind. The idea that life can come from the non-living, a theory known as spontaneous generation, has been disproved by scientists.
From the squid's point of view, the woman was performing fellatio upon him; he responded as any red-blooded male, of any species, living or dead, would respond, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) spokesperson and wanna-be celebrity Paris Hilton said, and the same way that her own former boyfriend Rick Solomon responds on her sex tape: “he climaxed in her mouth.”
According to zoologists, the spermatophores are the squid's “sperm sacs” and their spiny appendages are the “ejaculatory devices that forcefully release both the male squid's sperm and a chemical cement that attaches the sperm to the wall of the female squid's vagina—or, in this case, the South Korean woman's mouth.” Therefore, force was used in the attack upon the unfortunate diner.
The police are having trouble identifying the rapist, however, despite the lineup of suspects. “Squid all look the same,” a spokesperson complained. “It's as hard for us humans, including eyewitnesses of the attack, to tell even a male squid from a female as it was for the perpetrator to distinguish a female squid's vagina from a South Korean woman's mouth.”
Experts have recommended that South Korean chefs take a lesson from their American counterparts. “The squid's internal organs should be removed,” Danna Staaf, a chef who writes a blog, Calamari and Oral Sex, advised, “so that all is left of them for diners to enjoy is their love muscles.”