UnNews:Spy-dair plots revonj. Revonj!
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Spy-dair plots revonj. Revonj!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 10:28:UTC)(
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Shocked, are you not? Tell me you are not shocked. Sacre bleu! You cannot. Seet there, para-lie-zid wees fear. I have heep-notized you wees my eyes. Zere iss no ezcape. Oui, we spi-dairs all have Fronsh accents. Also, the Fronsh peoples, they are spi-dairs. Napoleon? Fronsh spi-dair. De Gaulle? Fronsh spi-dair. The, how you say, Vichy regime? Sad-lee, Fronsh spi-dair.
You thought you had, how you say, "got rid" of me. You thought that you'd szeen zee lazt of me after skweeshing me undair-nees your mug az I szat on your café table, no?
You don't realize juzt how sztrong ve spidairs are. Worse, zat dull look in your eyez tells me zat you don't even remem-bair ze, how you say, in-ceedont? Let me ree-frosh votre mémoire...
You were seeting on ze cowsh, wash-een Raidairz of ze Lozt Ark. Indy vuz fy-ting le grand homme undair zee flying plane of zee air. You scrash-ed vous derriere un...deux...trois times. Zen, and I remem-bair zees moment as though it wus yez-tairday, you took a seep from your mug, zen zet eet down on me, breaking all huit of my legz.
I worked, laboured, sweated (yes, we spi-dairs do per-spyair) for deux long months, unteel ze doctairs cut the tiny casts off of my tiny legs, zen I zpent a year relairneeng how to walk. For zat entire periahd, I plotted my revonj! Revonj! Now ze time has come for my revonj.
Seet zair while I lay eggs in your ear. No, eet ees not an urban, how you say, lejond. We spid-airs, wees our sair-prisingly Fronsh accents, do indeed lay ze eggs in ze ears. Ve zayv eet for special occasions, like Bar Mitzvahs and, of course, revonj. Revonj! Zair, eet ees done. Magnifique! Soon my sheeldron veel emairj from your ear and see zee world vis zair googly eyes for zee first time. Your ear weel be zair home. Your brain weel be zair food. Now, my revonj complete, I, like Charlotte after keeling Weel-bair, weel die. Revonj!
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