UnNews:Spring arrives in OR, Apocalypse in NY
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Spring arrives in OR, Apocalypse in NY
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 20:32:UTC)(
16 April 2009
OREGON, USA -- Fire crews attended a suspected blaze in a Coos Bay trailer park yesterday after a resident reported that she had arrived home and noticed an orange glow coming from her bathroom. The woman, Elaine Owens, immediately sounded the alarm to call emergency services and evacuate the park, which is surrounded by woodland, when she first entered her trailer at around 3.25pm.
However, when firefighters investigated the scene they discovered that the glow was not caused by a fire but by the sun, shining through the window and reflecting on the tiles of Ms. Owens' shower. 14 firefighters attended along with two engines and an mobile incident command unit, intended to provide logististical support in the event of the flames spreading and causing a major disaster. "One or two of our guys were mighty pissed to get a call-out to what amounted to nothing," fire chief Stan Gibson told UnNews, "but I'll say what I always say to members of the public who think they may have seen a fire - call us immediately. By doing so, you may save many lives."
Ms. Owens was not available for interview today, but park owner Rod Steinbeck was happy to provide a comment. "We surely do get long, hard winters up here in Oregon," he told us, "I guess young Ms. Owens jest hadn't seen the sun in such a long time she clear forgot what the ol' thing looked like. Trailer park folks ain't too endowed with the smarts, you know, so this kinda thing happens from time to time."
STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...
Emergency services nationwide have once again repeated advice to the public instructing them to immediately sound the alarm and dial 911 if they observe unexplainable glows coming from any part of their homes after an incident in New York. Dana Barrett, resident of an apartment in the city's 55 Central Park West skyscraper, had just arrived home after shopping for groceries. While preparing a snack, she observed a similar glow to that seen by Ms. Owens coming from her refrigerator. Rather than calling the fire service, she opened the fridge door only to be confronted by weird lizard-like creatures which referred to her by the name Zuul. Ms. Barrett was later possessed by a demonic spirit called Gozer which caused her to wreak much havoc, leading to the partial demolition of the famous building. "Just as Chief Gibson said after the Oregon incident, we cannot emphasise enough that anyone who sees a glow like this must dial 911," NYFD spokesperson Martha Jenkins stated at a press conference following the event. "Obviously in a case such as this one, fire crews would not have been able to deal with the situation but the operator can put callers straight through to the relative organisation, be it police, ambulance or Ghostbusters."