UnNews:Sportscasters promoted to full-time news anchors
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Sportscasters promoted to full-time news anchors
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, January 18, 2017, 14:16:UTC)(
14 August 2007
BRISTOL, Conn. -- In a stirring turn of events, the sportscasters of America have been promoted to full-time cable news anchors, following the massive Newsman Strike of 2007. Surprisingly, though, this has only increased network ratings, as the sports commentators have brought a fresh new look to the grim world of international updates.
edit Play by Play
America's great play-by-play announcers have been zoned to cover the upcoming 2008 Presidential Elections.
“And...no, no, wait! Edwards has taken Texas! That's right folks, John Edwards has won Texas! The impossible has happened!”
Americans found this new format more enjoyable than the typical strings of metaphors we've come to expect from Dan Rather. Unfortunately, this left most glued to their sets, rather than going out to vote, and the night turned into a stalemate.
“BOOYAH! Nader gets straight up KO'd in the first round of the primaries, dawgz! Can a brother get some love?”
As such, the play-by-play duties of these fine men have been left vacant. Americans will now be forced to watch games where broadcasters don't have to repeat the score or the count listed a few inches to the right of their head, and ignore the stat-heads interrupting key plays.
edit Color Commentary
The color boys have been given desk jobs at the major networks, and now attempt to elaborate in simpler terms what exactly is going on. This will help us understand such complex terms as a Dirty Bomb.
Closed captioning captured some of John Madden's lightning-in-a-bottle broadcasting. Now here you got your bomb. And over here, you got some dirt. Let's draw a little dirt over there, there, there. Heh! This dirt looks shit, Al! Now you got your little raghead guy over here 'Hey John, death to the infidels, how's it going?' an-and the fuse and puts it in his car. Little car there, heh. VROOM! Hey, looks like the cruiser! Now he takes little car and drives it to the big old embassy, crashes through the gate, and BOOM! So, now you got your big old hole in the wall there, all the people all running out and the green stuff flying around everywhere, look at that! So you put on uh, put on Al-Jacuzzi or whatever the hell that thing is, and you got the Amadahamada guy over there talking about Israel, and they did it, and they weren't real, and that's crazy! So you got the dirt and the rubble, and the Barney Rubble - hey, look at that! Wilma! Now the little guy...
The new innovention known as the Tellustrator allows these newsman to quite literally illustrate the news in front of them on the screen so that you don't have to divulge in such chores as labeling countries, and finding foreign names of cities that sound funny. With maps such as these, the general public will be up to speed in a flash. John Madden has stated that he'll be taking the cruiser on a barnstorming tour of America's liberal arts colleges to inform of his new world views. The re-emergence of the career of John Madden has stirred Congress to re-enact the common and delicious Turkey as America's national bird, as Benjamin Franklin once sought.
edit Analysts and Fantasy/Draft Gurus
America's analysts and fantasy dumbasses have been branded together to give insight into the probably and chancehoods of world events. In their place, quality programming will fill timeslots where important fantasy updates were formerly given, and the World Fantasy Game will grow to become the new watercooler zinger.
“I'm giving Mexico a 79% chance of being the first country this year to initiate a draft.”
“Let's have a run-down of our fantasy leaders and sleepers. DO NOT underestimate Syria. These boys are mysterious, they're harboring terrorists, and shipping munitions. You've got to start this country. Sit Iran. These jokers are nothing but a false front of regime.”
Mel Kiper Jr. has been promoted to Secretary-General of the UN, and will be appearing on your television 22 hours a day until the current crisis and draft concludes. In related news, noted analyst and town crier Stephen A. Smith has been given a new CNBC show, "Extremely Mad Money", where he'll discuss the bitch-slapping, hell-yeahing, slamdunk world of the international stock market with a fresh new attitude. It will simulcast on the BET network.
We'll continue to keep you updated as this story progresses.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|