UnNews:Sportscaster sidelined for sexist remarks

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1 March 2007

Cedmax

Cedric ("Cornbread" Maxwell refuses to apologize for his fondness for bacon and eggs

BEANTOWN, MA - Sportscaster Cedric (“Cornbread”) Maxwell was sidelined by ABC television network brass after he made (allegedly) “sexist remarks” concerning a controversial call made by a rival sports announcer, Violet Palmer, of the NBC (“Proud as a Peacock”) TV network.

Palmer’s call was against a Boston Celtics player with whom Maxwell once had a sexual affair while “playing” for the Celtics. His position was that of “eternal reservist, benchwarmer, and male cheerleader.” One of his duties was to keep the bench warm for other players during the game so that they’d have a place on the bench upon which to warm their “buns” during breaks between on-court play. While bench warming, Maxwell said, he “gained a lot of insights into the game” that would have enabled him to “be a contender” if he’d been allowed to play a few downs or go a couple of rounds against his team’s components. “I could have hit the ball out of the ballpark,” he contended.

When Maxwell disagreed with Palmer’s call that his previous boyfriend was "out of bounds," he said, on the air, “Get back in the kitchen!” The ABC broadcast of which he was a part immediately aired a commercial message, but, when the game returned, Maxwell was heard to say, “Get back in the kitchen and fix me some bacon and eggs.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Palmer said, when she learned of her colleague’s comments. “He’s an athlete and he’s black at that.”

African-Americans generally support Maxwell, saying, “He maybe ain’t right, and he maybe ain’t bright, but he be black, so he don’t need to be right, and he don’t need to be bright, cuz he be black.”

Gays and lesbians are also generally supportive of Maxwell, saying, “He may not be right, and he may not be bright, but he’s gay, so he doesn’t need to be right or bright, because he’s gay.”

Feminists are more likely to be supportive of Palmer. “She shouldn’t have said what she said, either, but he drew first blood, and, well, he is black,” a spokeswoman for Bald Bitches Are Beautiful said.

Ellen Degenerate also commented on the controversy: “I just want to put this out there: if it wasn’t for blacks and Jews and gays, there wouldn’t be an NBA.”

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