UnNews:Spontaneous building explosion concerns Iraqi terror group
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Spontaneous building explosion concerns Iraqi terror group
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 29, 2017, 13:34:UTC)(
13 April 2007
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BAGHDAD -- Sources embedded with the Iraqi-Hamas cooperative known as The First Methodist Church of Allah report that the group was perplexed and distraught by an unplanned building explosion which occurred in the capital city this afternoon. The organization's head of public relations Mustafa al-Haresh claims that neither his group nor any other known terrorist cells had laid claim to the destruction of the Gap Outlet store which suffered critical damage. "We book these venues MONTHS in advance" claims al-Haresh, "...such an unconventional method of attack undermines every principle by which we fight."
A quick glance at this week's copy of the terrorist trade publication SPLODE! proves al-Haresh's point; of the approximately 270 undamaged structures in Baghdad, 190 are categorized as "Destruction Reserved." "We're really having a tough time rationing out the last 80 locations" al-Haresh explains. "I mean, once those few are gone, what are we supposed to do, fight those soldier people head-on? Have you seen those tanks they've got?" This sentiment, shared by many in the terror community, casts a shadow of concern upon today's Gap explosion, as the small building on Uday Blvd. was still classified as "Available" according to SPLODE! records.
"I really think its a shame" states young Kufi Mordul, an honors student at the Madrasah Academy University School in Mosul. "[A]ctions like these are really dooming my generation. What will my children have to blow up? Sand dunes? Who will ever take them seriously?"
Though the investigation launched by the local Iraqi Explosion Task Force cites improper electrical wiring as the explosion's catalyst, The First Methodist Church of Allah has paired with SPLODE! to reopen the case. As part of their mission statement, the partnership asserts:
- "...this issue is too criminal for us to ignore. Our futures, our children's futures, and the future of terrorism itself are all being challenged by the actions of a few militant extremists who are unwilling to file simple paperwork. Rest assured that the perpetrator(s) of this crime will not go unpunished, and if it was you Kareem, just be a man and fess up already."
Any leads regarding the Gap Outlet combustion can be faxed to the SPLODE! Corporate Headquarters in Kirkuk.
- "VIDEO: An Exhaustive Case Study in Spontaneous Combustion". Marne Interactive Productions, June 02, 1998
- Margaret Besheer "Planned building explosion does not concern Iraqi terror group". SPLODE!, April 12, 2007