UnNews:Spontaneous Human Combustion Fad Sweeps the Globe
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Spontaneous Human Combustion Fad Sweeps the Globe
We distort, you deride
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 15:23:UTC)(
17 February 2012
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO -- Ever heard of spontaneous human combustion? What about voluntary spontaneous human combustion? What about James Bevel? Or copernicium? A large group of students sitting on the lawn at the University of Ouagadougou have, and they have been heavily concentrating for 36 hours without moving a muscle.
"This is amazing," says one student. "Last morning we had maybe a dozen people out here doing it; now it looks like half the college is out here."
The goal of VSHC is simple: channel one's bodily energy into a particular point of the body, such as the armpit, until the energy is so great that it causes one's flesh to burst into flames. The fad originated in Burkina Faso and quickly spread to Canada, then New Zealand, then Yemen, then St. Kitts and Nevis, then Venus, and finally the rest of the world where it has developed an enormous cult following.
"I hear thousands of people in Canada are trying out VSHC," commented the university president. "Good for them!"
Suicidal hippies and mentally retarded journalists aren't the only ones to partake in VSHC.
Rebecca Black has been "caught" trying to spontaneously combust. As a petty excuse, she stated, "I started receiving hundreds of tweets asking me to try spontaneous combustion; I couldn't let my fans down!" The strategy worked, for her number of followers on Twitter increased by twenty percent, or about 30 people.
Wondering how you can participate in this dernier cri? Just follow the simple steps below.
- Keep still. It is much more difficult to spontaneously combust if your blood is moving too fast, thus dissipating heat throughout your body.
- Clear your mind and fill it with images of you burning. The former action is more important; the latter mostly serves to appease your lust for dying should you fail.
- After five minutes, turn your head to the right and shout, "Flank steak!". House rules.
- Take a photo to prove yourself. This profile picture will ooze badassness on your Facebook page.
Do be careful where you spontaneously combust; you don't want to ruin the new silk linings on your couch.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|