UnNews:Spiked baseball bats found in San Francisco

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Spiked baseball bats found in San Francisco

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

UnNews Logo Potato
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 20:16:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

29 November 2015

Spiked baseball bat

Officials stressed to the city's "Good Samaritans" who stay one step ahead of the meter maid and feed other drivers' meters that spiked baseball bats are not an acceptable currency.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Police here are asking the public for leads on who is chaining baseball bats to poles throughout the city.

Officers first received reports of baseball bats on poles and parking meters in the city on Thanksgiving morning, a day set aside to feel bad about the Pilgrims' arrival in America.

Police Sgt. Michael Andraychak says 27 bats have been found since then, the latest in Fishermen’s Wharf. He says that, while the bats might be a harmless message suggesting to the city's huge gay population that they instead take up the national pastime in the rest of the country, baseball, the metal spikes mean they are no longer sports equipment but a weapon that violates the law that everyone in the city must be safely unarmed: Whoever chained them to parking meters must have briefly possessed them first, which is a felony.

If San Francisco became known for spiked baseball bats, Sgt. Andraychak said, it would require a massive public campaign to rid the city of them, which would divert funding and attention from the current campaign to eliminate plastic shopping bags.

Investigators ask anyone with more information to call, especially if the culprit can hit over .300, as the Police team has lost to the Firefighters in the city's annual friendly game each year since 1972. Public Works also wants to talk to the culprit, who appears to use a power drill with uncanny precision and might be hired to put lines on the pavement that are actually straight.

edit Sources

Personal tools