UnNews:Spectre backs U.S. Chief Justice Nominee Roberts
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Spectre backs U.S. Chief Justice Nominee Roberts
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 23, 2017, 18:24:UTC)(
A spectral figure from the depths of the netherworld has emerged from its nightmarish realm to offer support for Chief Justice nominee John Roberts. The unholy apparition was sent to speak at a Capitol Hill press conference on behalf of the tortured souls of the underworld. "You ssseeee..." the wraith hissed in an inhuman tone, "weeee in the ssspirit realmmm are verrrryyy pleasssssed with the fine job the G.O.P. hassss been dooooing... weee meeerely wisssshh to extennnnd our ssssuppoooort for thisss excellent caaandidaate... ssooo heee maay ssupport the Repuublican agendaaa offf waaarr aand strifffe... which are grooowingg our undeaaad populaationn everr ssstrongerrr..." The hideous phantasm's press conference ended without a Q&A session, as it had an appointment to meet with Satan, Steve Ballmer, and Dick Cheney "forrr a quiiick lunchhh" at the Hades Bar & Grill.