UnNews:Special Report: Minitrue like, totally gay
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Special Report: Minitrue like, totally gay
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 23, 2017, 14:54:UTC)(
8 December 2006
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OCEANIA, Somewhere -- There have been recent rumors circulating around the Internet that the Ministry of Truth is extremely gay. Finally, last month, Ministry of Truth and Ministry of Love leader Big Brother confirmed the rumors as true. He said, "Minitrue doubleplusgay. Goodthink to think this; doubleplusungood to remake goodthink ungood fullwise. Minitrue straight is crimethink! Crimethink! Doubleplusgay!"
30 October 2006
My first day on the job. I overslept after watching a marathon of Halloween movies and eating Cap'n Crunch. Then I was slow in the shower and had to walk forty miles to the airport to travel to Oceania from Oklahoma. I fell asleep after watching the in-flight movie, Snakes on a Plane for the sixty-ninth time. When I woke up, this guy in front of me farted. Oh boy, did it stink! When I opened up my window, I almost flew out; I barely survived.
There was nothing on the radio: Just classical, smooth jazz, pop standards, tennybopper crap, and Kevin Federline's "Popozao". I was saddened by the severe lack of rock music available. I wanted to hear some Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, SLAYERRRR!!!, Metalicaaaaaaa!!!, Hinder, and some Britney Spears, anything with an edge to it. Luckily, the plane was landing and I would soon be arriving at the command center of the Ministry of Truth.
When I arrived, the guards almost shot me mercilessly, but I explained that my name was Jimmy and I was here to deliver a pizza. They said, "Oh yeah, the pizza guy. It's, uhh... the third door on the left." I was surprised that they were still speaking in what they refer to as "oldspeak." When I went in, I saw some of the most horrific things, besides Kenny Rogers's face. Ministry members were wearing pink and I thought I had walked into a Mango lookalikes convention. The horrific music of Michael Bolton (not to be confused with Michael Bolton of Office Space) blasted from the PA system. I couldn't hear a friggin' thing for weeks afterward.
Then, just as I had managed to take a photograph of Big Brother dressed as Liberace, the guards came back with the real Jimmy. Jimmy said, "Hey, dude, you're not me! And you don't even have a pizza with you. Dude! That's so uncool." Then I explained to them that my username is PF4Eva and my real name is Chris, and that I was doing a special report for UnNews. The guards then threatened to terminate me if I didn't leave. Then the music of Barbra Streisand blasted from the speakers and I was out of there faster than a jackrabbit!
I was then forbidden from exploring the Ministry of Love. This special report was supposed to span the final week of October, but only spanned one day due to this incident. I think I saw Big Brother watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on his TV screen. This incident just goes to show you how risky it is to be a roving reporter.
You may be asking what I did for the rest of the week. Well, Tuesday, October 31, I saw this really rocking Dutch metal band with some goofy name I can't remember. Anyway, I loved their palm-muted riffs, power chords, two-handed tapping, heavy drumming, thunderous bass, and powerful vocals. Too bad you don't get this stuff in America. Wednesday, I watched a marathon of All That. Thursday, me and this guy had a fart contest; he won. Friday, it was back to Oklahoma to watch my Adventures of Pete & Pete DVD and dance around like a monkey.
Minitrue is totally gay.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|