UnNews:Spears secures role of Kojak in new movie
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Spears secures role of Kojak in new movie
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 06:45:UTC)(
21 February 2007
SANTA CRISCO, California --Exclusive reports have revealed that Britney Spears is to play Kojak in a big-budget remake of the popular 70s show which starred Yul Brynner. The news comes after much speculation about the pop star's state of mind after she publicly shaved her head and doused herself in petrol at the weekend.
Rumours of her checking into rehab have been quickly quashed as the reason for her dramatic change in image became clear last night. Film Director Steven Spielberg expressed his support for the failing singer. "Well I think Bruce Willis would have been a more sensible choice for the role, but hey, what the hell do I know!?"
Spokesman for the star, Ned Ferringo, was quick to reassure fans who feared that she was about to go totally ga-ga, "Britney is not stark raving bonkers, I can confirm that she has in fact just secured this major movie role as the famous bald-headed detective - at least that's what she told me anyway. Who am I to contradict her, she pays me $10,000 a day for Christ's sake!"
The late Telly Savalas congratulated the singer from beyond the grave last night: "I wish the kid all the luck in the world, though I must confess that I do think someone like Bruce Willis might have been better cast in the role of a middle-aged, bald police detective."
Spears, also rumoured to be pencilled in to play the role of "The Gunslinger" in an upcoming remake of Westworld, was unavailable for comment after she was last seen being bundled into the back of an ambulance this morning.