UnNews:Spartans flood box office; won't leave
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Spartans flood box office; won't leave
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 09:34:UTC)(
12 March 2007
As millions flooded in to theaters this weekend to see such movies as Wild Hogs, Music And Lyrics, and Norbit, several theater goers were met with a grave surprise. Friday night, at every theater in the country, 300 soldiers, clad in ancient Spartan armor, were seen taking part in several violent acts. Soldiers were reportedly fighting pathetic Persians, making a mess of blood, as well as even putting time into slow motion, so as to show off their moves.
The leader of these Spartans, King Leonidas, has been charged with several crimes, including disturbing the peace, assembling without a license, multiple counts of murder, indecent exposure, and more. The most outrageous of these crimes was his manipulation of time and space, simply for his men to show off in front of millions of terrified civilians.
Worse, the Spartans are still on the loose, as no officer has been able to come within 20 yards of them, without being thrown back by a javelin through the chest, which they have a seemingly endless supply of. They have been reportedly screaming phrases like "FOR SPARTA," and "SPARTANS DO NOT SURRENDER!" This was before anybody had even come to apprehend them, upon this happening they would scream "COME AND GET ME YOU SWINE!"
It has been reported that a small, extremely ugly gollum, named Ephialtes, showed up at the LAPD police department today with news of a way to defeat the Spartans. He wears an ugly little hat, and an ugly little cape, and isn't liked very much, but the chief of police, as he assured us all several times, is kind. More news soon on this nationwide outbreak of terror, violence, and pure unadulterated gore.