UnNews:Spaceship taken, thief grounded

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Spaceship taken, thief grounded

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, March 19, 2018, 11:18:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

5 April 2016


Smirnoff gets an 18 month ban for drunk-driving a Soyuz spacecraft, and a bill for cleaning up the mayonnaise and chips in the command module.”

BAIKONUR COSMODROME, Russia -- A drunk teenager who went for a joyride in a Soyuz spacecraft has been banned from driving for 18 months - even though he does not have a full driving licence. Following a boozed up evening, Alexander Smirnoff, 18, stole the multi-million-pound rocket in the early hours of this morning with three friends.

Smirnoff, who lives on a farm near Baikonur Cosmodrome, admitted taking the vehicle on an excursion to lower earth orbit, with his equally stewed friend Boris Popov acting as flight engineer. The joy-rider was banned from driving by Baikonur Magistrates' Court today.

Another man and woman also rode in the in the utility module, located forward of the command module, as the crocked Smirnoff took the rocket for a “spin around the block,” landing in the adjacent scrub-land after a single 90-minute orbit.

Dominika Komorov, prosecuting, told magistrates: “Amusing as it may sound, there are serious safety issues here. Smirnoff had been drinking to the point he had become completely spaced-out; it was dark and he was behaving intemperately on a site that houses dangerous cryogenic liquids in bulk. The defendant was driving the Soyuz erratically, with one man leaning out of the hatch and another man in the “trunk” with his girlfriend, attempting to do some thrusting of his own.

“All four were clearly befuddled and in ‘high’ spirits, and the defendant in particular was so potted, he was barely able to stand unaided.”

Nightshift flight guidance officer Uri Liftoff said during the early hours, one of their rockets unexpectedly left the pad and— with the “co-pilot” leaning out of the hatch chanting football songs and giving the “bird” — carried out a couple of mid-air donuts, before embarking on a meandering flight path into orbit. Breathalyzing the tipsy teens after landing, Baikanaur police found the driver to be at least four times the legal drink-driving limit, and covered in kebab meat.

An admonished Smirnoff has promised to lay off the Smirnoff around vehicles in the future and avoid the temptation to pop-off for a spin with Popov. The other couple have declined to comment on the incident, other than to say it was fun becoming the first members of the 100 mile-high club.

edit Sources

Personal tools