UnNews:Spaceman from beyond the future visits UN
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Spaceman from beyond the future visits UN
Straight talk, from straight faces
Monday, March 27, 2017, 20:45:UTC)(
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UNITED NATIONS BUILDING, New York -- A scientist from the future has come back in time to inform the backwards people of now that they, the forwards people of soon, have, with their giant minds, learned something.
"You, the foolish and backwards people of the Information Age" said The Amazing Doctor Beldar Blirx-nix, making cool, futuristic airquotes with his spacefingers when he said 'Information Age', "would be astounded by the technologies that our amazing futurethink minds have come up with...in the future! Our spaceporn, for one, would blow your simple Homo sapiens minds with its shear, amazing futuristicness!"
The Amazing Doctor Beldar Blirx-nix, who insists that when 'Amazing' occurs in a title it indicates a step above 'Doctor' and 'The Amazing' is one futuristic step above that, traveled back in time via his time machine purely to pass on information critical to the continued survival of mankind.
"I and my futuristic spacefashion" he continued, gesturing to himself and his silver jumpsuit, "simply must tell you right now; the future cannot wait! Or possibly it can wait, but not for very long, because everything is faster and more efficient in the future. Heck, in the future a gallon of milk is merely a quart and a king-size bed is the size of a space-dime! True story...I am not here, from the future!, merely to <expletive> with your heads!"
He became agitated when a light on his utility belt began flashing in a futuristic manner "Oh, spacecrap! It is almost time for me to return...to the future!"
"On Friday the fifteenth of June it is imperative that at nine o'clock, you look to the skies! Look to the skies!" he exclaimed hurriedly while pointing to the ceiling of the conference room in a 'Hey! It's the future!' kind of way, before vanishing with a puff of smoke and a neat ahhhh-weee ooo! sound.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|