UnNews:Spaceborn dust speck hints at existence of penguins in Andromeda Galaxy
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Spaceborn dust speck hints at existence of penguins in Andromeda Galaxy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 12:02 (UTC)
12 June 2006
PASADENA, CA: Astrophysicians in sunny Southern California announced today that a microscopic grain of dust, retrieved from the underbelly of the Space Shuttle Discovery soon after its historic launch in July 2005, constitutes compelling evidence that penguins (flightless polar birds of the family Dinosaurus) are not entirely confined to Earth's galaxy, as was once previously thought.
The tiny mote was found clinging tenaciously to one end of a small sliver of soiled toilet paper, which was extracted by hand from the shuttle's nether regions by a United States astronaut during a nine hour, multimillion-dollar space walk.
While the strand of two-ply bath tissue would be considered cosmo-band (a contraband item, not to be recouped after exposure to cosmic radiation), it posed no appreciable risk to the shuttle's hypersensitive thermal undershielding and would have simply burnt up harmlessly in Earth's upper atmosphere. The speck of spacedust however, could very well have survived the fiery reentry, and infected the global biosphere with a virulent strain of avian space flu, instantly wiping out all life on our planet.
Isotopic analysises of the insignificant particle of dust reveal slightly elevated levels of linoleum 176, which is remarkably similar in composition to a handful of meteorites found deeply buried in the Antarctic ice cap. From this, scientists infer that extraterrestrial penguins are relatively common in the southern regions of XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B (a small planet orbiting the G-type star XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037), which is located in the outer spiral fringe of Andromeda, some 23.7 million trillion kilometers from Earth.
The origin and trajectory of the "dust" in question was initially plotted by Dr. Felix Honiker using both a newsreel video of the Discovery's reentry and the Chia carbon dating system.
Sighting the particle's planet of origin in Astrophysicians Weekly, Honiker reports: "We can now state with impunity that, given the particles recorded velocity, the journey from XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B to Earth would have taken precisely three zillion years. No more, no less. And to plan the space travel of something so... 'not big' as it were, would require an immense intelligence, and an almost complete understanding of both special and general relativity, and the effects of intense cold on relativistic velocities at the subatomic level. Which undoubtedly forces every serious astrophysician to ask that final question: 'What, if any, form of life could possibly be both on that planet, and so understanding of Einstein's incomprehensible theories and extreme coldness?' We are left with only one answer... sentient penguins."
A wheelchair-bound colleague of Honiker (who, although remaining anonymous, spoke using only the computerized voice of a text-to-speech utility) further stated, "Whatever penguins are on that planet, they were incredibly advanced three kazillion years ago when the particle left its atmosphere. One can only speculate what they may be up to now..."
While the planet in question (XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B) cannot be detected with today's most powerful telescopes, astronomers are now confident that it exists, possesses at least three moon-like satellites, is covered with a 350 foot-thick layer of volcanic ice, and also that it boasts a highly advanced technological civilization built and maintained by a race of 10-foot tall hyperintelligent cyborg penguins with opposable flippers.
Whether or not the gigantic robopenguins bear any ill intent towards Americans, however, is currently unknown. A possible scenario would involve them simply invading our world, swallowing most of our American citizenry whole, and carrying us back to their home planet so they may regurgitage our semidigested remains into the gaping steel beaks of their biorobotic young. Upon hearing this, a random citizen of Europe shouted in his glarbled native language a phrase that translated approximately to "Pip-pip, tea, and Limey crumpets, all our base are belong to them."