UnNews:Space shuttle Atlantis struck by lightning, lands in Atlantic Ocean
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Space shuttle Atlantis struck by lightning, lands in Atlantic Ocean
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 1, 2016, 10:00:UTC)(
11 September 2006
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- NASA officials at the Kennedy Space Center were expecting a report five hours after the launch of the space shuttle Atlantis at 11:14 in the morning Eastern time on September 9 when they received a phone call from renowned local fisherman Curtis Monroe, who told the officials that Atlantis landed into the Atlantic Ocean barely 3 minutes after the launch.
"Never in my 58 years of fishing have I ever seen something like this happen," said Monroe. "I was docking my boat for the day when I saw the shuttle land straight in the water. I lost nearly all of my day's catches because of the waves it caused."
This call forced the officials at NASA to investigate why the space shuttle came down. They initially believed that one of the fuel cells failed before launch, but further investigations determined that a lightning strike caused Atlantis to explode. Engineers and staff were baffled because they would have made sure there was no lightning in the area. However, one official didn't think the same way.
"For the love of God... NASA wasn't thinking one fucking bit when they launched the shuttle." said official Jenna Robinson. "There was a severe storm over the Cape when it was launched and lightning was striking all over the place. I mean, one bolt even struck that tree we have near the entrance to the Space Center."
After hearing Robinson's statement, she was promptly fired.
"We are not going to tolerate her lies." said another official who wished to remain anonymous. "She knows that lightning must not strike within 11 miles of the launch pad. Would we intentionally put our astronauts in danger? No."
NASA denied everything that proved that Atlantis was in danger when it was launched.
The situtation also got the interest in many mythographers. One mythographer, Johnathan Brooke, had this to say:
"You know, for many years I believed that the civilization of Atlantis was simply prophecised. I think that the shuttle Atlantis will spew metric shitloads of toxic waste into the ocean, causing the fish and sharks and everything to mutate into highly intelligent beings capable of forming their own civilization. The mystery of Atlantis may finally be solved."
None of Atlantis' astronauts survived the lightning strike, as the shuttle exploded immediately when the bolt of lightning struck the tip. Letters are being sent to the astronauts' families from Robinson stating the lost of their loved ones and also that Atlantis was in intentional harm and asked them in the letters to write to George Dubya Bush about NASA's evil ways.