UnNews:Space Love Triangle case resolved, defendant not guilty
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Space Love Triangle case resolved, defendant not guilty
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 14:26:UTC)(
14 February 2007
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SPACE COURT, U.S.A. -- Lisa Nowak, crazy space lady arrested last week on charges of attempted murder and being involved in a freaky alien love triangle, was acquitted last Monday. According to police reports, Nowak had followed a rival astronaut to Orlando with weapons she stole from her neighbors' 8 year old son while wearing diapers also stolen from the neighbors' home. The prosecution pointed this out as evidence that she is in fact a crazy space lady, as her logic seemed to be faulty: she would have to stop for gas anyways, so wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom stops wouldn't save her much more time than if she simply used the facilities at the gas stations.
Defense attorney and galactican warlord Ztzraag Smith sealed the case before a stunned jury after pointing out that the diaper, which had been presented as evidence, "did not fit". The prosecution tried to regain control of the case by pointing out that the diaper had been used, and that the fact that Nowak was willing to put on a soiled diaper made her even crazier, but the case was, according to Smith, "already over at that point."
The love triangle, as outlined in People Magazine, consisted of Nowak, another astronaut, and a bizarre alien life form from a distant planet that was discovered in 2004. All three individuals involved were married to other people. Nowak and the creature had an affair in October of 2004, which was short lived and very mechanical. In May of 2005, the other astronaut that no one cares about and the space freak began having an affair, of which Nowak learned about last January. She then allegedly freaked out and began wearing diapers and stealing BB guns.
Nowak is currently roaming the streets of Tampa Bay, searching for humans to satisfy her craving for flesh. Her husband, who no one cares about either, is living at home with their three very normal, non-astronaut, not-crazy, children.