|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
11 February 2010
COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- Osama bin Laden, professional terrorist saber-rattler, was today apprehended in South Carolina as he arrived to purchase his $5 Subversive Activities Permit. bin Laden's henchmen had reportedly advised him to register in Delaware, but he opted instead for South Carolina, citing the low price and the possibility of a free gift for early registration. He is currently being interrogated until he says something that could be used to justify the invasion of Iraq.
The passing of South Carolina's Subversive Activities Registration Act has led to an outcry among businesses who fear a loss in jobs if insurgents decamp to register in Delaware. Paul Johnson, CEO of a small company supplying satellite phones and Qur'ans, said he would likely have to cut his workforce by up to half. "This law targets the subversive, but comes down hard on decent hardworking people with families to feed by providing material support to those who wish to see us dead", he said.
Local militia leader Ted "Buck" Tanner, expressed concern about families and communities being divided between South Carolina and other subversive-friendly states. He commented, "This isn't right. We have three generations of insurgency here and it's being torn apart. Patriots for Freedom is large enough to support a creche and discounts with local restaurants. How can we maintain this if our members leave for Delaware?" Tanner would not disclose his plans, but returned to his compound to blog about water fluoridation and vaccination.
Bill Donohue, speaking for the Catholic League, stated that his members would not be registering. Although they consider a foreign head of state to be their highest authority on earth, they have no plans for subversion--as long as the government stays the hell out of their business, except when the Church needs money or something hushed up, in which case there'll be no subversion as long as the government does what it's told to do. Donohue left quickly, citing the need for an urgent meeting with The Emperor.
The Saudi government has expressed concern that the registration fee will hurt their exports of jihad. It's almost certain that Islamic countries will retaliate by requiring western countries to purchase permits for invasion, liberation, and regime change.