UnNews:South Carolina Democrats elect a meaningless holler
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South Carolina Democrats elect a meaningless holler
We distort, you deride
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 17:02 (UTC)
10 June 2010
COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- The South Carolina Democratic Senate race took a surreal turn Tuesday when voters elected AAAAAAAAA! to represent their party in the general election. Who, or what, this AAAAAAAAA! is remains a mystery, but many are speculating that it constitutes an expression of the sheer lunacy that is South Carolina politics.
Election workers described the only known interaction anyone has had with the mystery candidate. "About a week before the filing deadline," explained State Democratic Party executive director Nu Wexler, "a black SUV with a license plate that just had the letters G-O-P on it pulled up and three men in intimidating black suits came in. They paid the $10,400 fee in cash. They filled out the candidate card just like that: AAAAAAAAA!"
The SUV was traced to South Carolina Republican Party chair Karen Floyd. "Yeah, South Carolina Democrats aren't exactly the sharpest knives in the baby's crib, if you know what I mean," she said. "We planted this AAAAAAAAA! candidate to ensure victory in the general election. Worked like a charm."
When asked about their shill's unusual name, she explained, "Well, we knew they would simply vote for the first candidate on the list. They always have. So at first we tried to get my friend Andy Aaronson to do it, but he was like, no way. Keep me out of that shit. So then we thought, hey, it doesn't even need to be a person. So we were just going to run an Aardvark, but then I spilled my coffee in my lap on the way to the election office, and I shrieked. The rest you can guess."