UnNews:South Australian MP died in crossfire between mutants and cyborgs
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South Australian MP died in crossfire between mutants and cyborgs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 08:47:UTC)(
24 September 2006
CANBERRA, Australia Australian Labor Party (ALP) member Kate Ellis was killed in a House of Representatives meeting during a "heated debate" between Opposition Leader Kim Beazley and Prime Minister John Howard over a series of new changes in the Industrial Relations (IR) laws, according to official report.
Since the new IR laws were introduced in December last year, thousands of workers across the nation have been either sacked unfairly or suffered cuts to their job conditions and take home pay. In addressing the issues, the PM suggested a series of adjustments that would allow employers to "upgrade" their employees to cyborgs. "This is the Age of Steel," said Howard. "Advancing technology has allowed us to move from an era dominated by workers' unions to one where everything is run by labours that demand no more than daily application of WD-40 and battery charging." He also believed that the conversion of human flesh to metallic, emotionless body would greatly assist immigrants in their "assimilation" to the "Australian way of life" as defined by the National-Liberal Coalition.
Beazley, on the other hand, was grossly disappointed by Howard's proposal, claiming that it was nothing more than "window dressing" and would not lead the country to a better future. He even protruded his plunger-like appendage, threatening to "exterminate" anyone agreeing on the "upgrade". The PM tauntingly responded to his opponent by referring to all ALP members as "mutants trapped in their own garbage cans". Furious, Beazley fired his death ray at John Howard, only to be blocked by Peter Costello as he stretched his arms to make a yawn. In return, John Howard swiftly charged up his left hand and offered Kim Beazley "maximum deletion". Beazley, being unable to travel up- and downstairs, fell right on his helmet and barely escaped the PM's assault. It was Kate Ellis, however, who took the blow and died at the scene.
"Kate was the nicest girl I've ever met," said Stephen Donnelly, Ellis's groom-to-be. "She was neither a Dalek nor Cyberman, and she did nothing in the Parliament - absolutely nothing! Why did she deserve to suffer such horrible death? Why?" Donnelly exclaimed as he despairingly let himself be run over by a speeding bus.
After the incident, local "factional Daleks", as sources indicate, were seen seeking a replacement that "looks good on camera" for the deceased MP.
- Dennis Shanahan "The life and times of a tragic - but yet hopeless - beauty". The Australian, Sept 24, 2006