UnNews:Soundwave joins UnNews’s quest for world domination
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Soundwave joins UnNews’s quest for world domination
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 19:05:UTC)(
10 July 2007
SAN MATEO, California -- UnNews correspondents and addicts across the world rejoiced today as UnNews announced that n00b Soundwave is joining UnNews’s quest for world news domination. Via his shoulder-mounted Wi-Fi transmitter, Soundwave officially completed the registration of his Uncyclopedia account under the username SWkicksass_777 at 04:17 UTC, to the cheers of dozens of UnNews staff and correspondents.
The Sovereign of the Order Oscar Wilde, Grand Master Chronarion, and UnNewsAudio Creator & Executive Producer and Benevolent Dic
ktator for Life Sir Todd Lyons were also present at UnNews headquarters to witness this momentous occasion in the history of UnNews.
Operation UnNews World Domination commences
“As you command, Chronarion...... Rumble, Laserbeak, Ravage, Ratbat, Eject...... Begin Operation UnNews World Domination,” said Soundwave shortly after his account registration, as his spy cassettes ejected and transformed into robot-forms. Rumble, Laserbeak, Ravage and Ratbat were dispatched to the headquarters of several
loser rival news agencies, including The Onion and The Colbert Report at New York City, and Wikinews at San Francisco. As part of Operation UnNews World Domination, the cassette Decepticons will perform illicit surveillance, sabotage and espionage of the enemies’ activities over the next few weeks.
Meanwhile...... [insert interlude here: UnNews logo flips to UnNews logo on black background], from the UnNews headquarters, Soundwave will remotely probe the neural impulses of Stephen Colbert’s brain, and steal or sabotage any novel comedy ideas from his mind. “So far, brain scan indicates absolutely no thought activity at all, as if Colbert is brain-dead or more likely, just plain dim,” reported Soundwave.
Soundwave will also jam radio, digital cable and internet transmissions from these enemies across all bandwidths, thereby crippling their broadcasting capabilities effectively. “I have waited an eternity for this. Once our arch-rivals are vanquished, nothing will lie between UnNews and complete global news domination... muahahaha... muahahahahaha......” laughed Wilde maniacally, as Chronarion and Lyons covered their noses from his stinky bad breath.
Pulitzer Prize for Criticism
Soundwave, a 9.1 million year old Cybertron native, is the latest communications and journalism prodigy to be recruited by Wilde to boost his attempts at absolute monopoly of the satire news market. “Oscar Wilde impressed me with his revolutionary vision and passion for dominion of the global satire media. He really reminds me of Megatron. So, I, Soundwave, could not refuse his offer,” said Soundwave, beaming with enthusiasm.
Soundwave holds Ph.D. degrees in mass communication, journalism and electronics engineering from the prestigious Cybertron Institute of Technology (CIT), and has won numerous Pulitzer Prizes in the Investigative Reporting, Breaking News Photography and Criticism categories. His most famous article, titled “Decepticons Superior, Autobots Inferior”, is hailed as the “best damn literary piece of art” to ever win the Pulitzer Prize for Criticism. In addition, Soundwave was once a communications officer for the Decepticons during the Cybertronian Wars, which is undoubtedly his least noted career achievements.
Even with all these fame and success, Soundwave’s career eventually hit a low in 2004 when Hollywood director Michael Bay announced that he will not cast Soundwave for the 2007 live-action Transformers movie. Soundwave immediately sunk into a state of depression, spending most of his time cursing Bay, drinking (hard
liquor energon) and vomiting (half-digested energon muck). “Ravage and Lazerbeak were going through a rough time too. Every time I, Soundwave, puked, they had to eject, transform, and lick up the mess,” explained Soundwave. All this changed however, when The Sovereign of the Order called Soundwave last week at his apartment to recruit him for the UnNews cause. Ironically, the phone call came on the same day the Transformers movie was released in U.S. theatres.
Soundwave has also shown an interest in contributing verbatim audio recordings of individual UnNews articles. UnNewsAudio Supreme Correspondent Rev. Zim was clearly pleased to welcome Soundwave to his team, exclaiming, “Audios made by Soundwave are going to sound soooooooooo fucking cool!”