UnNews:Sonic the Hedgehog lacking speed after amphetamine overdose

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Sonic the Hedgehog lacking speed after amphetamine overdose

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25 February 2016

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"Psst, hey kids, Wanna buy some speed?"

TOKYO, Japan -- Sonic the Hedgehog, once an inspiration to children and intellectually challenged Man Children everywhere, was discovered dead today with an estimated four grams of street grade amphetamine in the blood of his left leg alone. The body was found in a bathtub by a local prostitute who only wished to be identified in the press by her street name, "Tails". Police do not suspect foul play, as it was well known to friends of the deceased that he had been struggling with use and abuse of speed for most of his life. He had recently been sober for two weeks after a brief stint in a rehabilitation facility.

Like all drug-related death of low-to-moderate-profile celebrities, Sonic's representatives (Sega) were quick to respond to concern expressed by middle-aged soccer moms and middle-aged pasty nerds, saying that the death of the beloved hedgehog was nothing to be concerned about, and that they should continue to spend their money on Sonic merchandise (including the "new limited edition classic Sonic memorial plushy, now available for the low, low price of $49.95 + postage™") so as to help repay Sonic's drug dealers, loan sharks and ultimately his next of kin Amy, the bitch who rather ironically sent him to the hard drugs in the first place as a result of her gold-digger lust for "shiny rings."

Fans of other famous people who OD'd in seedy hotel rooms like Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson gathered to congratulate him on now making it to 24 hours sober outside of rehab.

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