UnNews:Son kills father and uncle
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Son kills father and uncle
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, April 29, 2016, 08:14:UTC)(
24 March 2009
ALEXANDRIA, Egypt -- In what seems to be a rising and concerning phenomenon in Egypt, a 13 year old kid killed his father and uncle in order to make himself eligible to attend a special concert for orphans by the infamous Haifa Wahbi on Orphan's Day.
Amid nation-wide calls to make Orphan's Day an official holiday, to encourage more people to go to orphanages and stuff, the pop music idol Haifa Wahbi announced that she would hold a fund-raising concert on Orphan's Day exclusively for orphans. That's where our story starts.
Tutu Adalât, one of the Lebanese singer's army of fanboys, gunned down both his father and his uncle; apparently just to be able to attend the concert.
Reports indicate that at 9:58 pm GMT yesterday the Southern Alexandria Police Department received several phone calls from local residents saying that they had heard a number of gunshots. Two CSI and police task force units were immediately dispatched. However, the task force never made it to the crime scene because they were eaten by grues in a dark street, and the CSI unit arrived seven hours later due to traffic congestion.
Primary investigation revealed that two bodies were found in pools of blood, with multiple gunshot wounds. Several 9mm bullet cases were also found on the floor near the corpses.
The first body belonged to the boy's father, aged 47, with gunshot wounds in his right testicle and left little toe. How those minor wounds managed to kill him is still unknown. The second body belonged to the boy's uncle, aged 46, with two gunshot wounds in the forehead - again, how he died from such minor injuries is not yet understood.
Tutu was arrested later that night while smoking Hashish, and was questioned by the police in the traditional Egyptian way. He eventually confessed that he was responsible for the crime and even started telling stories about his mother.
Tutu is expected to face charges of intended killing, which could get him a life imprisonment or the death penalty.
UnNews reporters interviewed some random people in the streets and alleys of Egypt. Here is a sample of public opinion concerning the case:
- "She [Haifa Wahbi] iz very beyoutiful. I kill my fazer too to go to her party [sic]." ~ another 13-year-old boy
- "Zis is bad, it iz za mistake of za gavarment. Za prezident must war Israïl [sic]." ~ a 19-year-old college student
- "Oh, did you watch yesterday's Oprah episode? It was wonderf-- what? [...] what father-killing? Why do I even care?" ~ a spoiled 17-year-old girl
We also had the chance to interview an eye witness, Hajj Dsooki el-Menyawi, the local coffee shop owner who is aged 103 and blind. We asked him if he seen what happened and he replied, "Back... [coughs] back in za days [coughs harder] za king was ve-- [cough and chokes]..." El-Menyawi then fell silent and died.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|