UnNews:Something happens in Primary race
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Something happens in Primary race
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 26, 2016, 18:47:UTC)(
19 May 2008
Some person, it seems, may or may not have won - or possibly lost - a number of votes in some state that you only see in horror movies.
"This is quite an unexpected result," said some blow-dried douchebag on CNN, or possibly some other waste-of-24-hour news service. "I had been expecting a result much unlike this one, and yet this is the result that actually eventuated. Back to you, Mandee."
The politician at the centre of the fooforaw was less than helpful in narrowing down exactly what happened. "They said we would fail, but we've shown that if we work together we can never truly be defeated," said the candidate or whatever, incorrectly implying that electoral victory is a state or mind rather than numbers on paper.
The news of the victory/defeat/clambake/whatever sent the blogonetointersphereweb into an uproar. "This is just the sort of nonsense you'd expect from those jackasses," said a socially inept fucktard whose strong political views act as s personality surrogate. On the other side of the fence an almost completely identical fucktard with a different set of strong political views called it "a triumph for freedom and democracy," which might have meant something to him; who knows?
Millions of supporters or opponents of the politician in question were either euphoric or grumpy, depending on whether the candidate actually won or lost. "I'm particularly emotional about this issue in one way or the other," said someone or other, "After all, I'm a pro-life veteran lesbian Creationist vegetarian Jewish Christian minority majority hippy yuppy furry Black White Hispanic abortionist libertarian SUV owning green soccer-mom CEO mafiosa fishing trawler captain porn star and a Freemason. AND I VOTE!"
Meanwhile, the actual business of running the country remains in the hands of George W. Bush.