UnNews:Something happens, maybe... outlook hazy at best
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5 January 2008
"The event or lack of events occurred somewhere close by, perhaps on our own Earth," said that guy on the news, you know who I'm talking about. "Wait, that's what you call the planet we live on, right?"
When we asked people on the street what they thought of the event, we got mixed replies. "What are you talking about?" responded Birch Carlson, a 61-year-old retired auto mechanic from Detroit when asked about the event or lack of events which may or may not have occurred. "This doesn't have anything to do with the rent payment, does it? Because if it does, you can talk to my ex-wife. That bitch took all my money."
President Whatshisname reacted immediately to the event by deploying over a hundred thousand troops to that one Middle Eastern country, the one with all the civil and political unrest. "We are not yet sure what occurred," he said on the topic. "However, you can bet that the Middle East will somehow be affected. Deploying these units is the first step to preventing a crisis like this from ever occurring again, assuming a crisis like this is indeed occurring. America must move forward from this situation, or lack thereof."
Al Gore, local environmental rabblerouser, disagrees. “This questionable happening is a result of our disregard for our planet, Earth or whatever,” he said in a statement to some newspaper last Tuesday. Or maybe it was Wednesday. One of those days that ends with a ‘y,’ anyway. “We must stop polluting our environment to stop this terrible event from happening, unless the environment has nothing to do with this. In that case, pollute away, I don’t give a fuck.”
I’m sure the families of the victims of the event were distraught, if the event caused anyone to die. “Sometimes I probably feel better, but then I just picture my son’s face, I think, and it all comes back to me,” said Milwaukee mother Gertrude Wilson. She paused. “On second thought, do I even have a son?” she asked. “I can’t remember.”
“What?” asked Dan Rather.
"I think two things can be said for sure about this event or lack of events," said Dr. P.F. Steinglass, who studies such things. "First, this thing happened, maybe. Second, if it didn't happen, I'd like to know how ten tons of elephant shit got on top of the Space Needle."