Some silly ice game locks out its players; thinks anyone cares
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 10:05:UTC)(
16 September 2012
NEW YORK, New York -- In a brash move that would make someone think that the team owners believed anyone was paying any attention if they didn't know any better, and to absolutely nobody's dismay, the owners of the franchises of a weird ice-and-stick game that basically constitutes the entire Canadian contribution to world culture locked their players out of... something.
Apparently the players of the game, who - get this - skate while they play, are officially stopped from doing it. The work stoppage - which would surprisingly indicate that these skating young fellows are normally getting paid to do it - is reportedly due to the fact that no one has been able to pick a number between 47 and 52.
It has come to light that there are in fact eight or nine fans of this little game, which they call a "sport", and they are all passionately incensed over the action. One of these fans, who for obvious reasons wished to remain anonymous, said, "I've watched these guys skating around and knocking each other down a lot and then punching each other. I really have enjoyed it. Then I think there's this little black thingy that they have to put into a net. It's really a lot of fun. I'm really mad that they have decided not to do it this year. But you know what? It's OK. I was really just going to watch football and basketball anyway. Who am I kidding?"
When asked why they think anyone cares that they are stopping these players from skating around and knocking each other down, the team owners said, "Our money piles aren't very high, are they? This isn't basketball. I mean, look. We own... uh... what is this game called again?"
We weren't sure. We didn't really care. We turned on College Football.
- Ira Podell "To even find this story, I had to drill down to the NHL page of the Yahoo News web site. That's how much nobody cares.". Yahoo! News, September 15, 2012