UnNews:Some really fucked up shit goes down in the Congo
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Some really fucked up shit goes down in the Congo
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 20, 2017, 22:41:UTC)(
16 July 2010
CONGO CITY , The Congo -- Some really fucked up shit went down this month, when this big fucking oil tanker flipped over and fucking exploded. We here at TimsBlog.com are totally covering this story because it's so fucked up.
Apparently, there was this oil tanker, just driving along, all "doo dee doo dee doo," and some dude cut him off, and he was like "FUCK YOU, DUDE!", and he swerved, and the whole thing just fucking flipped over. Like, right on its back. It was fucking nuts.
And then all these people ran up and they were like, "Whoa, holy shit, that thing fell over," and it starts, like, fucking leaking oil, and some of them were like "Whoa, free oil, man!" So they got like some jugs and shit and got ready to jug that shit right up.
But then somehow the oil caught fire and the whole fucking tanker exploded. There was this gnarly fireball and people were all running around on fire screaming, "HOLY SHIT I'M ON FIRE WHAT DO I DO?" And other guys were like "STOP DROP AND... OH SHIT, NOW I'M ON FIRE TOO! BOTH OF US ARE ON FIRE! OH MY FUCKING GOD!! AAAAAAHHH!"
And then they ran into these like, stick huts, and caught those on fire, and people were all like "HEY ASSHOLE, YOU CAUGHT MY STICK HUT ON F... AHH SHIT NOW I'M ALSO ON FIRE!" It was crazy fucked up. I'm just fucking glad I wasn't there.
So then they asked this Joseph Kabila guy, who's like the President of the whole Congo, what he thought about it, and he said something in, like, Swahili or some shit, so I don't know what it was, but I'm pretty sure it was something like, "OH, THE FUCKING HUMANITY, ALL MY CONGO PEOPLE ARE BEING SET ON FUCKING FIRE!!"
Jesus Christ, man. There's some fucking reality for you. And now the Red Cross are all like, "OH MY SHIT, THERE ARE NO BURN WARDS IN THE AREA, WE'RE SO FUCKING FUCKED!" And everyone's running around all panicking and shit. It's like fucking World War 3 over there.
So, all I gotta say is, stay the fuck out of the Congo. I mean, always. But especially right now. It's like, worse than the fucking Black Plague..
- Michael Onyiego "National Mourning Declared for Victims of Congo Explosion". VOA News, July 5, 2010