UnNews:Some old guy is all dead, or something
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Some old guy is all dead, or something
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 20, 2017, 18:57:UTC)(
SAN DIEGO, California -- You must live under a rock in a cave or something if you haven't already heard, because it's, like, all over the news. No, I don't get it either, but apparently some old guy died. He sang a song before I was born about some dude named Billy not being his lover. Also, his head set on fire one time while he was drinking Pepsi and he was the first man to walk on the moon. His name was Jesse Jackson, and he used to be famous.
My parents are all broken up about it. Yesterday, they turned off the TV and sat me and my brother down in front of some crusty old gadget called a "cassette player" and made us listen to a "cassette tape" called Thriller. I think Thriller was like Twitter, but it was made by old people before they discovered the internet. My mom says that they didn't even have iPods back then! I couldn't believe it! She told me they had "walkmen" that also played these "cassette tapes". Parents are so full of crap. Worse, since this Thriller "album" was on "tape", which is like a little plastic thingy with a loop of tape (that isn't even sticky) inside it, it was "analog". "Analog" is like a stone age version of digital. My parents said that "...analog music is 'warmer' than the synthetic, digital sound you get from CDs". Apparently "warmer" means "sounds, like, all crappy, with hiss and warbling and stuff". Dad said that he'd dig around in the attic later for the "old tube amp" and "the vinyl" (whatever those are) so that we could "...experience music as it was intended to be heard.", which I assume means "bad" (but not in the good sense of the word). Bad was also the title of another CD by Jesse Jackson, except that it was probably on "cassette tape" too. Frankly, I'm afraid to ask. They might force us to listen to it then.
Oh, boy. I thought, We get to waste another hour listening to the crappy pop tracks that we just heard, but with even more warmerness. Parents are such dorks. It's like they never heard of MP3s or something.
So, anyway, this Jesse Jackson guy was in a band called The Five Jacksons, and they sang and danced and stuff. Their father, Andrew Jackson, was a real jerk, who forced them to sing and dance and stuff. Also, he was, like, president or something. I learned all about him in history class, but I totally hit "flush" after finals. I think he fought against the British with George Jefferson, before he got a deluxe apartment in the sky.
My dad told me to put that part about George in. I have no idea what he's talking about. He told me to put something in about "Weezie" too, but by then him and mom were giggling so hard I couldn't understand them. God, I hope I'm adopted. I know that my brother isn't, because he's as weird as they are.
After the Jacksons (Jesse, Toto, Latoya...um, John and Ringo) split up, Jesse went on to a solo career, singing and dancing and stuff all by himself, without his dipwad of a father and no curfew or anything! During the 1980's they (and by "they" I mean "old people who have no good sense in music or clothes or hair or anything") called him "The King of Pop", which is near Switzerland or something.
Then he got all weird, like my brother, and creepy, like my Uncle Ernie, who my parents don't talk about much anymore. My uncle used to be a dentist and he had a van with no windows that he drove around town, dentistering to homeless people and hookers and stuff, and he always had dirt under his fingers and on his pants and his shovel. He's doing 6 to 10 in some prison somewhere now.
After Jesse got weird, he went to court, charged with felony oddity and child molestication! A couple of times! Seriously! It was all over TV, just like now, but he wasn't dead at the time. And he lived in Wonderland with a monkey and some elephant bones, all of which sounds pretty gross, but then he went broke and had to sell his monkey.
So anyway, he's dead, and before that, he was, like, fifty-eight, which is waaay old. He must've droven around in one of those electric scooters like grampa has. He probably liked golf and eating dinner at four o'clock with teeth that he kept in a glass beside his bed, too.
Old people are sooo weird. I ain't never gonna grow old. My parents are giggling again.
- Mister Newsguy "President Obama sends condolences to Michael Jackson’s family, economic still in toilet". Pennysaver, June 27, 2009
- Anon. "Michael Jackson: Dead and loving it!". findagrave.com, June 25, 2009