UnNews:Some guy's at a payphone
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Some guy's at a payphone
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 25, 2016, 10:13:UTC)(
13 June 2012
BROOKLYN, Massachusetts -- Some guy was on a payphone trying to call home on Wednesday morning. After realizing that he'd spent all his change, he picked up some random coin dropped on the ground and went ahead with his call anyway.
However, as UnNews has learned because of payphone tapping experiments conducted by our correspondent for national security reasons....oh, goddamit that's CLASSIFIED INFORMATION! REDACT IT IMMEDIATELY!!!entirely due to a freak accident we won't elaborate on, the man had decided to call up his ex instead. Because of the very freak accident we just mentioned, our correspondent was able to obtain a complete transcript of the phone call.
"I know it's hard to remember," the man had said "the way that we used to be.....but it's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me!" The woman had replied it was too late to make it.
"Too late to make it! Is it ever too late to try!" the man then thundered. "Because of the time that we've wasted, ALL OF OUR BRIDGES BURNED DOWN!"
"Oh, how I've wasted my nights!" the man lamented on, "And to think you turned out the lights every time I jogged by your apartment!"
When the ex replied that she always turned out her lights by 8 p.m, and that it was not her fault that he went out jogging so late, he apologized, saying "I'm sorry baby, it's just that I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time, when we called it love." he then sighed "But I guess even the sun sets in paradise."
When his ex asked him if he was drunk, he told her about how he was at a payphone trying to call home, but all of his change he'd spent on her, and that he was now broke and living off an unemployment allowance.
This melted her heart, and she tried to assure him that he eventually would end up living happily ever after! This however, only fueled his misery "If happy ever after did exist....I would still be holding you like this!" he said tearfully....and began cuddling the receiver, or so it seemed to sound like. Upon coming back on line, he whined on "All those fairy tales are full of shit!" Just then, some mushy love song began playing in the background, causing the man to go into a fit of rage, "ONE MORE FUCKING LOVE SONG AND I'LL BE SICK!" he screamed at the top of his voice. Fortunately for him, nobody called the cops at that moment.
His ex tried to be sympathetic, telling him how even she had difficulty imagining how she could go through tomorrow without him. "Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow," he replied, spitefully "'Cause you forgot yesterday! When I gave you my love to borrow, and you just gave it away!" She tried to reassure him that everything was going to be fine, when he shouted back, "You can't expect me to be fine! And I don't expect you to care!"
Upon hearing the stunned silence from the other end of the line, the man cooled down a bit, and said "I'm sorry, but it's like I said before. All of our bridges burned down. You know, because of how I wasted my nights, and how you'd turned out the lights, cause...."
She cut him off, but before she could speak any further, some loud music began ringing in the background. Our correspondent later deciphered it as a rap song by Wiz Khalifa, where he too spitefully whines about lost love, going on and on about how "Man, fuck that shit, I've risen to the top and ride cars that start with the push of a button. Oh, what a shame, you could have even got picked by glorious old me, but you missed your last shot and now you keep whining about how that's supposed to be MY fault. Well, I'm the record-sellin' rapper, HATER!"
Once the rap ended, the man, almost as if it was his cue, began whining again. "Where have the times gone!" he cried out, "Baby, it's all wrong! Where are the plans we made for two!"
The woman then replied, "You said it yourself, Adam. If happy ever after did exist, you would still be holding me like you cuddled your receiver a while back. Yeah, I figured." she went on, "Maybe all those fairy tales are full of shit. And, if it makes you feel any better, those fucking love songs make me sick too. I guess we still have something in common, after all."
"Yeah," the man named Adam said, resigned. "But I'm the one at a payphone." He then hung up.
In unrelated news, Adam Levine from Maroon 5 has sued the Los Angeles Police Department because some of its (now deceased) officers had fired on him as he tried to rescue a pretty girl who worked at a bank that was being robbed. Adam works at the bank too, in order to earn some money on the side. In response to rumors that his own bandmates were involved in the robbery, however, Adam refused to comment.