Somalian pirates capture 33 T-65 X-wing Starfighters
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 23:53:UTC)(
2 October 2008
DROPKICKLAND, Somalia - In what is perhaps the most shocking example of piracy off the Somalian coast to date, it has come to the attention of UnNews that Somali pirates were able to hijack a vessel that, among other things, was carrying 33 Incom T-65 X-wing starfighters.
The pirates have since claimed that they were completely unaware that the starfighters were aboard the cargo ship when they boarded it, and were simply there to ask the crew if they might have any Grey Poupon.
"But once we got there and realized they had these great spaceships on board," Dashah Rendarid, the leader of the pirate gang told UnNews, "We figured hey, we DO have these AK-47s with us, so we may as well use them."
When asked how soon they realized what a powerful space vessel they had acquired, Rendarid's first mate, one Molanded Calresiah, had this to say: "Oh ya, I knew right away! I was like, HOT DAMN! I mean, I loved watching the space ships in the sci-fi movies. That is to say, I imagine I would enjoy watching the space ships in the sci-fi movies. That is to say, I imagine I would enjoy the modern invention of motion pictures..."
We interviewed independent defense consultant Wilhuff Tarkin for his appraisal of the situation: "Fortunately or unfortunately for us, the X-wings they stole did not have included astromech droids. Now, as everybody knows, the T-65 requires an astromech droid to calculate the proper parameters for a jump to hyperspace. This means that these Somalian pirates will not be able to travel to other solar systems and perhaps incur the wrath of extraterrestrial empires and lead them back to Earth. Of course, this also means that they have no where to go and there's going to be a bunch of fucking Somalians flying around Earth in spaceships."
"But perhaps most frightening," he continued, "is what those fucking skinnies could do with those empty astromech droid ports. There have already been reports of them using it as standing space for a gunner, with a machine mounted just above the cockpit. The technical term for this is a 'technical.' What they've done is take what was once a relatively innocent, stock starfighter, and turned it into something much more frightening. We're all fucking screwed."
It has been reported that after a few hours of rigging the spaceships with machine guns, all 33 of the fighters, most with two Somalians aboard, took off. Six of them immediately crashed into the water in fiery explosions. Eleven were destroyed by friendly fire when the Somalian pirates began engaging in to-the-death dogfights with one another, presumably since they were confused, and, having never experienced a real video game, may have thought they were in one and that it was all fake. The remaining sixteen were able to stabilize and speed off in different directions, presumably to meet up later at the nearby pirate haven, since those sort of things apparently still exist in the world.
This being an election year, American presidential hopeful John McCain was asked to weigh in with his opinion of the situation. "Well we all know that the Incom T-65 X-wing starfighter can carry up to six proton torpedoes, weapons of unbelievable power and destruction. But, luckily for us, the average Somalian can afford only about two proton torpedoes."
There have been some reports of the Somalian starfighter pilots seeking out geothermal exhaust ports, which the UnNews stragtegic analysis team has determined may prove a viable threat to the planet Earth. When asked to comment on this, Mr. Tarkin simply replied, "Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances."