UnNews:Somali "Wannabomber" never had a chance

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30 November 2010

Christmas Tree
The "wannabomber" and his intended quarry.

PORTLAND, Oregon -- Portland's wannabe teen bomber, Mohamed Osman Mohamud, or MOM as he often insisted he be called by friends and family, is somehow managing to look even dumber that he originally seemed as more and more details about his plot and his past are coming to light. His insistence upon being called 'MOM' stemmed from the discrepancy in spelling between his first and last names. While both are pronounced the same, they are spelled slightly differently. It was a difference, however, poor Mohamed was too dim to handle. Ridiculed for constantly misspelling his own name, his solution was to go by an acronym; MOM, which he mistakenly though was cool. His actual mother was outraged at this coopting of her title and Mohamed's stubborness about it caused enough trouble in the house that he spent most of his waking hours away from home. Surely this isolation--along with his natural stupidity--made him easy prey for jihadist rhetoric.

Refusing to have more than one 'mom' in the house, his parents moved back to Somalia some years ago to expand the family's shrapnel mining business. The shrapnel business had been exploding in that region for some years, and they hoped to take advantage of it before peace broke out. Reached by telephone for comment, they would say only "Ugga booger, baluga ugga boog." An Internet translation engine has confirmed this to mean "He wasn't raised right, sorry." A counselor at the overcrowded halfway house for teenaged nitwits where he had been living recently confirmed that assessment, saying "Poor dumbass, growing up he really could've used a few tips on life, or at least bombmaking."

Unfortunately for MOM, the abundance of Internet-ready rhetoric and anger that drove him was not accompanied by practical knowledge, access to the proper materials, or competency of any kind. Left to his own thimbleful of intellect, MOM's weapon of choice was a large hollowed-out pumpkin left over from Halloween which he had stuffed full of pop rocks. His intended detonator; a liter of Cherry Coke. Arriving at the scene of his intended attack, MOM proceeded to scream "Ali Babba", not realizing the proper death cry would have been “Allahu Akbar!”, while trying to jam the unopened liter of Cherry Coke into his pop-rock pumpkin bomb. Of course, it did not go off.

Maurice Foont, an explosives expert with the FBI later said, "Thank God he was too stupid to remember to unscrew the cap first. That pumpkin shrapnel would've ruined a lot of people's clothes." After the compulsory 8 hour beating at police HQ, MOM confessed he was just looking for a way to get into heaven or meet girls, and he had heard this was a great way to do both. Fortunately for the failed bomber, there was no shortage of volunteers at Police Headquarters willing to help him get to the afterlife.

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