UnNews:Society collapses, Anarchy reigns
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Society collapses, Anarchy reigns
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 01:10:UTC)(
9 June 2008
Over yonder hills An eerie silence, punctuated by occasional yelling and screaming, descended upon society today as it became economically impossible to control the civilian population with the usual placating tricks such as providing food, shelter and the means to get to and from work. A return to cottage industry, the world's oldest profession and barbarian rampages are expected as dignified members of society have thrown their collective hands up into the air and have joined in the near-sighted pillaging of the local 7-11.
"This shrink-wrapped burrito is going to taste awesome!" a local horde-member commented, crushing the skull of a nearby looter. "Too bad there's no working microwaves anymore... but they taught me in scouts how to build a real nice fire using only a grenade and a wood-frame house."
"Scouts my ass!" a bloody heap commented from the floor, which had not been waxed for weeks due to the collapse of the energy grid, "They taught us that in elementary school. But I'll blow you if you share that."
"Die suckers!" provided a fully armored grandmother, mowing all present to the ground in a hail of bullets from her hip-mounted chain-gun, "Give me a slushie or give me death! I'm gonna get mine!"
All around the world, pandemonium was limited only by walking distance. Planned air force strikes against looters have been postponed until somebody finds some more oil, which reportedly exists in large, untapped quantities in the recent past.
"I guess we'll have to use the top-secret UFO to quell all of this unrest." some guy who previously had a meaningful rank commented glumly, "But... the last guy to use the UFO to go back in time to stop all this hasn't come back and won't return any of our phone calls. I don't know what his problem was, all he had to do was convince people in the 1950s that driving large, inefficient heavy vehicles wasn't a good idea. That would have gotten us through until next Thursday at least."