UnNews:Snowden mistakenly pardoned
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31 December 2013
Snowden mistakenly pardoned
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 00:42:UTC)(
Snowden left his caviar filled blinis and palatial Dacha outside of Moscow with his young blonde blue-eyed fiancé, although her presence on his arm and hand in his pocket have caused suspicions in the suspicious that she is a KBG mole. She is, in fact, Mikhail Gorbachev's granddaughter, which explains the mole. Questioned about this, Gorbachev replied, “Ha! Lucky her. I've got a mole on my forehead and my foreskin!”
Snowden returned for the New Year’s Eve celebration in New York where he appeared with CNN reporters Kathy Griffin and Anderson “the Gay Silver Fox” Cooper, although detractors suggested that Snowden didn't have the jingle balls to compete with that crazy duo.
Washington insiders are scratching their friends backs and asking "how did this pardon take place?" Apparently someone at the White House confused Edward Snowden with Lord Snowdon, a.k.a. Anthony Armstrong Jones, and ordered a drunken and obedient Barrack to sign the pardon of Lord Snowden's outstanding parking violation in 1977, when Lord Snowdon filmed portions of the Nixon tapes. Edward Snowdon's return means he will now film a documentary on Obama’s time in Chicago that will dispute the famous "house next-door" land grab, long suspected to be a Mafia payoff to the young politician.
Unwilling to let the pardoning of the wrong Snowdon be recognized as an error, Art Carney, the President’s faithful press agent, concocted a story. “As the holiday season is a time of forgiveness, the President acted in the spirit of forgive and forget. In reality, Obi - as he is known to his basketball playmates and Star War fans - commented as he signed the pardon, “Lord Snowden? Who is dis honkey? Michelle, any chitlins left? An ah could use a bottle of dat White House beer.”
Edward Snowden, not one to look a gift horse in the face, readily accepted the pardon that was emailed to him by Obama's oldest daughter. Snowden said the first thing he did when he got off the plane was to kiss the ground, “I’ve learned how to eat a lot of shit in recent months,” said the computer genius, still stuffing his face with Beluga caviar, “and a little dirt didn't hurt.”
He has accepted a full time job with Google Advertising and will covertly specialize in hacking those irritating commercial barbs prompting users how to best spend their money, which will no direct Google's cash flow to Wikileaks.
A portion of Snowden's remarks follows.
- Q. The world wants to know, have you acquired any secrets in Russia?
- A. There is no truth to those allegations, may I point out that STD’s are a private matter.
- Q. Were you greeted in America by your charming father?
- A. That fat guy masquerading as my father? He's a CIA actor, and a bad one at that. My father was happy to get rid of me. Especially after I read his emails and found out he'd been cavorting with a male lover all these years.
- Q. And what of your girlfriend from Hawaii?
- A. Yeah, well, I read her emails and found out she was surfing some island dude at the same time she was trimming my sails. I have no use for a two-timing double dipper like that, unless I'm buying ice cream. If that was what I wanted, I would have moved to Russia long ago. There that stuff is considered proper etiquette
- Q. Did you feel exonerated?
- A. Who is she?
- Q. Do you have any regrets?
- A. Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
- Q. Thank you Mr. Snowden.
- A. Snowden? My name is Steadman. Ralph Steadman.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|