|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
10 February 2010
WASHINGTON D.C. - A record-breaking blizzard sweeping the United States has caused many workplaces across the country to close down. Congress was scheduled to pass a bill giving hundreds of thousands of stimulus dollars to several children's snow-shoveling businesses in order to boost the still-sluggish economy. However, Washington itself closed its doors on Friday due to the storm's severity and is expected to stay shut at least until Thursday. This to the dismay of the many Freemasons, who are anxious to get back to using bureaucrats as their puppets.
"It's very frustrating," said one 33rd-degree Mason leader, who will remain anonymous. "I have nothing to do but sit around watching daytime television, which is so boring, since I already know all the brainwashing tactics. I'd really rather be at the office plotting how to slip a microchip under every American's skin without them knowing. What can I say? I'm a workaholic."
According to the Freemasons' official newsletter, a meeting was supposed to be held on how and when to orchestrate another massive 9/11-like disaster disguised as a "terrorist attack," but the project was postponed due to snow. Fortunately, most non-federal Masonic-controlled government programs are unaffected by the storm, an example being the Shriners Death Panels.
Not all members of the Illuminati are upset. One local D.C. resident, who, again, will remain anonymous, told reporters, "Building a one-world-goverment is an extremely stressful job. It's a relief to have a nice, relaxing vacation for a few days. I'm spending my free time with my neighbors. I haven't manipulated them into doing my bidding in ages!"
Conspiracy radio host Alex Jones has his own alternative theories on the situation. "I don't buy this phony-baloney snow-day nonsense for one minute," he said yesterday on his show. "We all know the Masons travel through underground tunnels built by the mole people. If anything, this is probably a clever diversion, so they can do their evil works even more secretly than before. Folks, I fear they finally have complete and unlimited control over our weather! We will now take a quick commercial break, as I've just soiled myself."
In a related story, polls show newcomer Frosty the Snowman is the favored 2012 Presidential candidate for the Libertarian Party. When asked his opinion of Mr. Snowman, libertarian icon Ron Paul shouted, "White Power!"