UnNews:Snoopy comes out of the doghouse
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Snoopy comes out of the doghouse
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 03:33:UTC)(
21 July 2011
SANTA MONICA, California -- For over 60 years, kids and adults have enjoyed the antics of the Peanuts gang, which featured Charlie Brown, Linus, and many others. But the most well known member of the gang was Snoopy, who was publicized through merchandise and media. But today was an end for all speculation of his rumoured homosexuality, when Snoopy officially admitted that he was a homosexual.
Snoopy was born in 1949 at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm. He was bought by a girl named Lila, but she realized you huff cats, and not dogs; so she returned him. A month later, a boy with ongoing leukemia named Charles Brown bougt Snoopy for the price of a Hustler Magazine, a bottle of Nugrape, and a picture of a bunny rabbit eating a can of beans. Snoopy somehow went from being on all fours to bipedalism, most likely with the aid of painkillers and being injected with human genes.
Around the late 60's, a bunch of hippy birds liked to hang out around Snoopy's doghouse. This is where he first met Woodstock, a hippy bird who liked to expirement with LSD. "||||||||||||||||", said Woodstock, "|||||||||||||||||||, |||||, ||||||, |||||||!" At first, Snoopy denied his sexuality by proposing to a she-beagle. However, she got kidnapped by a hoard of drunk cowboys, which made Snoopy accept the fact. He and Woodstock adopted a black baby which they call "Kizzy".
The rest of the Peanuts gang were a bit surprised, but not shocked. "I'd found some gay porn on his laptop sometimes", recalls Charlie Brown, "and when he wasn't looking i'd masturbate to it too".
Fans of Peanuts became upset. "OMG I loooooove Snoopy", said 14 year old Matilda Robinsonm, "fuck that yellow bird, I WANT TO HUG SNOOPY SOOOOO MUCH".
Has Snoopy made the right choice, or will this be another bone for him to dig up? Time, and many used condoms, will tell.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|