UnNews:Snapchat founders reveal exit strategy

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6 January 2014

EvanSpiegel

U mad bro?

VENICE BEACH, California -- After months of conjecture and multi-billion dollar acquisition offers, Snapchat has finally revealed its exit plan.

“We thought about it long and hard and we both came to the same conclusion,” said co-founder Evan Spiegel, referring to himself and co-founder Bobby Murphy. “We’re going to sell all of our user data to whomever is willing to pay for it. We figure we should be able to get at least $5 Billion out of that. Makes that $3-Bil [sic?] from Zuck seem pretty bullshit, huh?”

The announcement has been met with an outcry from the public as well as privacy advocates, who claim that this is not only immoral but blatantly illegal.

“This is so, like, wrong,” said Katherine Prissybottom, a Snapchat user who asked not to be identified for privacy reasons. “I, like, totally put so much of myself out there, and now that they’re going to sell it to, like, whoever. Ugh I can’t... I just can’t. Like what the actual F.”

Spiegel responded that the terms and conditions of the newest update (purportedly released to fix a security breach in which user data leaked) specifically stated that users gave permission to sell all of their data.

“You thought we really had a breach?” Spiegel asked. “Naw, man, that was just us testing out how best to compile a huge list of our users' data. It also served as a nice sample of the product we’ll be selling in the next few weeks.”

Murphy added, “There are tons of buyers banging at our doors to buy all or some of our info. Think about it: We basically have a stranglehold on all the personal information of every 14-24-year-old out there. This is the dream demo of advertisers, education institutions, creepy gym teachers, you name it!”

When asked if this meant the end of Snapchat as a platform, Murphy replied that he was pretty sure it was; but that the duo was planning on launching a new startup that would store users' Social Security numbers in the cloud so people didn’t have to remember it “when applying to jobs or for bank accounts and stuff.”

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