|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
25 December 2012
Inn Bread, Mississippi --
At a Washington press conference today, National Rifle Association Vice-President Wayne LaPierre shot back at critics who have unleashed a fusillade of criticism at his recent proposal to provide armed security escorts for all children in the United States, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.
"In my opinion, we need good guys with guns to protect our kids from bad guys with guns. If you think that's a crazy idea, fine, call me crazy," he told a room full of reporters. When in unison they all immediately replied,"You're crazy," a stunned looking LaPierre said,"Well I'll be danged..."
Criticism of the proposal is far from unanimous, however. In the small town of Inn Bread, Mississippi, a pilot program called 'Good Ole Guards', created by local sheriff Brett Phamph, has been underway for a number of days. With a large number of unemployed gun owning residents, and relatively few children, Phamph, a long standing NRA member, felt the town was perfectly suited to implement LaPierre's vision.
"Since we started this last week, not one kid has been shot. Not on purpose," he reported.
Asked if there had been any accidental shootings, Phamph said,"Only four. Accidents happen. Many of these men served in 'Nam and have hair-trigger reflexes. They also have post traumatic stress disorder. The kids didn't realize at first that it's not a good idea to make sudden movements, or sneak up on a guy who pulled three tours of duty in 'Nam and has woken up every night since then in a cold sweat, screaming his head off and trying to choke his wife 'cuz he thinks she's a Gook."
Firmly believing that everyone, even children, have an inalienable right to bear arms in self defense, Phamph decided to provide them with weapons and ammunition so they could shoot back at their guardians when necessary. He claims the results so far have been mixed. "Well, the good news is that no more kids have been shot, but on the downside, we've had quite a few prolonged firefights, and six of my men have been hit. Never would have thought so, but it turns out a twelve year old who spends sixteen hours a day playing Call of Duty has better hand to eye coordination than a fifty-five year old hardened veteran and life long hunter. Let me tell ya', there's allot of respect now, on both sides."
Even though the Good Ole Guards have been forced to request reinforcements from the nearby town of Dankhole, and fall back to the more easily defended downtown area, he claims that an uneasy truce between the children and their guards, which has held since yesterday afternoon, is a positive development and a sign progress is being made.
"No kids have been shot in two days. I'm mighty proud of that," beamed Phamph.
So proud is Sheriff Phamph that he has invited LaPierre to don Kevlar and tour the town with a walk down Main Street, currently referred to as 'The Neutral Zone'.
The NRA has confirmed to Unnews that Mr. LaPierre will visit Inn Bread next week, provided the ceasefire holds.