UnNews:Small-town officials defend outlandish salaries

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Small-town officials defend outlandish salaries

Straight talk, from straight faces

UnNews Logo Potato
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 09:49:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

27 July 2010

Bell City Council

The Bell City Council meets in the taqueria once known as Taco Bell, and which they now refer to as Fuertito Knox. Behind the screen are the tons of gold bullion.

BELL, California -- Officials of this small, blue-collar suburb of Los Angeles defended municipal salaries, which in many cases exceed those of Los Angeles itself.

Mayor Oscar Hernandez said, "These high salaries are returned into the economy as we spend them. The jeweler, the yacht repair shop, the local Aston-Martin dealer--they all benefit. Think of it as our own, local stimulus program!"

Councilman Lorenzo Velez, who ekes out a living on the $8,000 salary and does not avail himself of the additional $96,000 sweetener for attending committee meetings, said the public outrage could have racial overtones. "In the current environment, it has to be viewed as an attack on the Hispanic community. People take one look at a successful person of color and want to attack."

Touching a theme often heard in the junk-mail and contract-murder communities, Mr. Velez added that the luxurious salaries were paid pursuant to a written employment contract. "It would have been illegal for us not to pay them," he said.

After an evening of hearing citizens feign outrage, the council did vote to dispense with the sweetener and successfully avoided discussion of returning any of the money they had already "earned." Bell's city manager ($787,639), police chief ($457,000), and assistant city manager ($376,288) all screwed last week, in search of greener pastures with better chumps for citizens.

Wire services are reporting that their salaries exceeded a million dollars--when combined. In fact, they exceed one trillion dollars, when combined, added to the US Defense budget, and then tripled.

Attorney General Jerry Brown said he would subpoena records, although the facts are not in doubt. Coincidentally, Mr. Brown is running for governor. (He cannot find the City of Bell on a map, but the man known as "Governor Moonbeam" considers the use of maps "thinking inside the box.") However, despite the charge of potential racism, there was no comment from either federal AG Eric Holder nor Jesse Jackson, official spokesman for all non-whites.

edit Sources

Personal tools