UnNews:Small-town officials defend outlandish salaries
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Small-town officials defend outlandish salaries
Where man always bites dog
Friday, July 21, 2017, 12:57:UTC)(
27 July 2010
Mayor Oscar Hernandez said, "These high salaries are returned into the economy as we spend them. The jeweler, the yacht repair shop, the local Aston-Martin dealer--they all benefit. Think of it as our own, local stimulus program!"
Councilman Lorenzo Velez, who ekes out a living on the $8,000 salary and does not avail himself of the additional $96,000 sweetener for attending committee meetings, said the public outrage could have racial overtones. "In the current environment, it has to be viewed as an attack on the Hispanic community. People take one look at a successful person of color and want to attack."
Touching a theme often heard in the junk-mail and contract-murder communities, Mr. Velez added that the luxurious salaries were paid pursuant to a written employment contract. "It would have been illegal for us not to pay them," he said.
After an evening of hearing citizens feign outrage, the council did vote to dispense with the sweetener and successfully avoided discussion of returning any of the money they had already "earned." Bell's city manager ($787,639), police chief ($457,000), and assistant city manager ($376,288) all screwed last week, in search of greener pastures with better chumps for citizens.
Attorney General Jerry Brown said he would subpoena records, although the facts are not in doubt. Coincidentally, Mr. Brown is running for governor. (He cannot find the City of Bell on a map, but the man known as "Governor Moonbeam" considers the use of maps "thinking inside the box.") However, despite the charge of potential racism, there was no comment from either federal AG Eric Holder nor Jesse Jackson, official spokesman for all non-whites.