UnNews:Slut Walk Movement Changes Name

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4 December 2012

SlutWalk

Sluts on the march in 2011.

Toronto, Ontario -- It's been over a year now since Canadian Constable Michael ''Puttanesca'' Sanguinetti, with a single comment, motivated thousands of scantily clad women to march in cities all across the world, proudly waving placards proclaiming that they are sluts. Oddly enough, he was never knighted for this unique contribution to global hilarity, and since then the Slutwalk movement, along with Constable Sanguinetti, have sort of faded away and been largely forgotten, much like Pete Best and certain pungent smelling cheeses once popular in the mid 1920s. But all that is expected to change soon, as the good Constable was, unbeknownst to him, recently recorded in a pub stating in between burps that he "never knew there were so many dumb bitches in the world." With the lightning speed of our Digital Age the recording has already been played thousands of times around the world, and has reignited the firestorm of controversy.

In response, Sonya Barnett and Heather Jarvis, co-founders of SlutWalk, have released a statement saying that they are officially changing the name of the movement to Dumb Bitch Parade. "We're going to show Constable Sanguinetti, and sexists like him, that it is women who are in control of the disparaging labels used to describe us, not men." She added that several Dumb Bitch Parades were already being planned in large cities around the world.

Later on that day in the same pub, when confronted by two female reporters and asked for a comment, an extremely inebriated Mr. Sanguinetti lunged at them and missed, lost his balance and dove face first into the floor. After slipping and falling a few more times, he got to his feet with the aid of several slightly less intoxicated patrons, and bellowed,"Leave me the hell alone, you cocksuckers!"

As of press time, there was no word on whether Ms. Barnett and Jarvis were planning on changing the name of the movement yet again.


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