UnNews:Slow news day led to spike in Bush approval rating
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
6 June 2007
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A poll conducted just before the end of Monday, June 4, showed that the President's approval rating, which has remained in the lower thirties for much of the past two years, jumped to an all-time high of ninety-seven percent. Mysteriously, however, a poll taken the following afternoon (Tuesday, June 5) showed that it had fallen to an all-time low of fifteen percent.
Experts at the Gallup corporation (fomerly in charge of the USA Today/Gallup Poll) believe the reason for this was the simple fact that President Bush wasn't heard speaking on any major newscasts.
"These evening newscasts," said Gallup chief Fred Davidson, "only showed pictures of certain people to fill the slot where their news was supposed to go. They had thirty minutes to kill, and in those thirty minutes, a vast number of them showed many pictures of the President. Since people today have the short-term memory of a gerbil, they looked at the pictures and saw a little boy with cute, puppy-dog eyes. They forgot about everything that occurred in Iraq (since nobody talked about IT, either) and temporarily fell in love with him again."
Unfortunately for Mr. Bush, once the calendar turned to June 5, his speeches immediately returned to the airwaves, much to the chagrin and disappointment of the public.
"They heard him and felt betrayed all over again," Mr. Davidson said. "It was almost like everybody in the United States contracted a severe case of Bipoloar Disorder. They loved him for a few brief hours, but as soon as he started speaking again and Iraq came up, they turned on him like a pack of wild hyenas."
Oddly, the day had the exact opposite effect in England, which celebrated the event for the first time ever. With no speeches heard from outgoing Prime Minister Tony Blair, his approval rating plummeted to a record low of negative twenty percent. (The English use a larger, more complicated, and more sensible system of polling numbers than the Americans.) However, on June 5, Blair attempted to make up for this by holding a non-stop "Speak-a-Thon" for twenty-four straight hours. This managed to raise his poll numbers to an all-time high of 137 percent before they leveled off to 80 percent.
Since GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) is five hours ahead of EDT (Eastern Daylight Time), President Bush became aware of the tactic Blair was using very early on June 5. Therefore, he attempted to follow Blair's lead and held a twenty-four hour "Speechey-athan" in the Rose Garden. Of course, Bush had failed to notice the differences between his situation and Blair's, so his approval rating plummeted to a record low of two percent by the tenth hour. Fortunately, Vice President Dick Cheney was able to get the President away from the podium by pretending to throw a stick for him to fetch. The fooled Bush went inside the White House, where sources say he is still currently looking for "that dang stick."
Bush's poll numbers immediately returned to the lower thirties.
It is not known when the President will return to the public eye, but most believe it will be when he starts to whimper and walk around with his head down because he's given up on finding the stick.
- Tony Blair "How Good Speech can Make People Forget that You've Whored Yourself". Oxford Press, June 13, 2006