Slow news day forces publication of story about supernatural beings in Brighton
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, May 22, 2015, 21:22 (UTC)
6 June 2007
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BRIGHTON Sussex. Hordes of supernatural beings are terrorising the normally peaceful streets of Brighton whenever there is a full moon, according to Sussex police. It follows research by the Sussex force which concluded there was a rise in violent incidents when the moon was full - and also on paydays.
Insp Bandy Barr said he compared crime statistics for Brighton and Hove with lunar graphs to discover the trend. "After examining the evidence carefully I reached the only logical conclusion possible; which is that Brighton is populated with supernatural monsters that feast on human flesh. We are equipping our police officers with cloves of garlic, silver bullets and possibly wooden stakes just to be on the safe side."
When asked about the link to the moon and paydays, Inspector Barr commented, "Some say because people are made mostly of water, lunar gravity pulls them in the same way as it does the sea, and as we all know when the moon isn't full, that means it's not there, so it has no gravity, therefore the effects are only visible at full moon Q.E.D. Also maybe it has something to do with all that cheese... As for the link with payday, I guess supernatural being like to get pissed up when they get paid same as everybody else, and we all know where that leads."
So far the advice to residence of the city has been to "Stick to the path and beware the moon". Retailers have noted a marked increase in sales of cloves, this is believed to be an error on the part of the citizens as cloves are not known for their protective powers.